Busy with goals…

Our theatre performance has finished for another year. With my involvement in practises running since January and the eight recent performances, it's been a buys few weeks. It's been a nice diversion, but truth be told, I'm kind of glad that it's wrapped. It has been a big commitment of time and energy, and now … Continue reading Busy with goals…

I’m…

My anxiety is peaked today, and I find myself battling with my thoughts and my emotions. I'm tired of the noise in my mind. I'm tired of constantly being on edge. I'm tired of the feeling that I am walking on eggshells around everybody. I'm tired of the suicidal thoughts invading my mind again, drowning … Continue reading I’m…

We lost you a year ago…

I can't believe it's been a year since Lynn's sister passed away. It doesn't seem real. It doesn't seem possible. It seems like just yesterday that she was in our home for the Christmas Holidays, yet I know that that particular memory is over a year old. The last time we saw Brenda was when … Continue reading We lost you a year ago…

Looking back, looking forward…

Christmas is done for another year and I, for one, am glad. Don't get me wrong. I enjoy the holidays. I also enjoy when they end. This year has been additionally hard, with it being the first Christmas since Brenda passed away. However, we have gotten through it at least somewhat unscathed. That's not to … Continue reading Looking back, looking forward…

Self-care

Today was a somewhat busy day. Being Friday, it was my day to cover the store. it wasn't overly busy, but it was steady. It did provide plenty of opportunity to get my next assignment edited and submitted. Five down, three to go. After I finished at the store, Lynn met me for supper, and … Continue reading Self-care

Admission update: Figuring out how to feel.

Well, after a week, I finally had the opportunity to see Dr. M again. He had been keeping tabs on me through staff, but hadn't seen the need to actually meet with me every day, which I suppose is a good thing. He confirmed this morning that my discharge is set for Friday. I'm not … Continue reading Admission update: Figuring out how to feel.

I remember 9/11

It's been eighteen years since the world was changed on that fateful September day. I remember, like a lot of people, exactly where I was when I heard the news that international terrorism had hit the shores of NorthAmerica. I remember turning on the television minutes before the news showed the second plane hitting the … Continue reading I remember 9/11

Shifting winds of life

Today was a quieter day. I covered the store this morning while Lynn had her table set up at our local monthly Farmers Market. The store was dead while I was in there, but apparently it got pretty busy after Lynn took over. After Lynn relieved me at the store, I headed up to the … Continue reading Shifting winds of life

Breaking Away

I'm almost feeling guilty, but I'm breaking away for a few days. I'm heading down to Calgary to re-connect with some friends and get away and clear my mind. The reason I'm almost feeling guilty is because I'm leaving Lynn at home on her own with the dogs, during GISH no less. It's what I … Continue reading Breaking Away

I am not where I wanted to be, but I’m finding my passion again.

A pretty light day today. I had an appointment at the weight loss clinic in our medical practise today, and found out that I have lost 6 pounds of fat and gained a pound and a half of muscle in the last eight weeks. Considering I feel like I plateaued, that is still some significant … Continue reading I am not where I wanted to be, but I’m finding my passion again.

July 1, a retrospective on the first six months of 2019.

At the half way point of the year, I find myself reflecting on the trials our family has faced. Losing Brenda in February, my subsequent hospital admission in March, some changes at the work, and the loss of friends causing me to attend more funerals this than I have been at in the last 10 … Continue reading July 1, a retrospective on the first six months of 2019.

Content Warning: Strike Two in my descent into PTSD

Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com **Any names have been changed for privacy concerns.** The tones dropped just after 2300 hours.  I’d been in bed for an hour already, but while I was at work I was always primed to respond to a call. Just for good measure my partner pounded on the wall between our … Continue reading Content Warning: Strike Two in my descent into PTSD

Protected: Finding ways to reconnect

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Doing okay…

Another beautiful day in this part of the world. It's both a good and bad thing. The bad is I don't function well in high heat. The good is, I don't have to shovel it.... Today was pretty fair overall. I was up early, got my workout in, and then headed to the local Seniors … Continue reading Doing okay…

Nothing changes

According to the WCB shrink I spoke with back in April I am dealing with some permanent impairment thanks to the PTSD. I don't know if that makes me feel better or worse. On one hand it is gratifying to know that what is going on inside my head is real. On the other, his … Continue reading Nothing changes

How anxiety changes my style of play.

Considering how rough the last few months have been, I'm amazed that mentally I'm maintaining as well as I am. I've slowly been getting back into my workout regime, and things have slowly been leveling out. My anxiety has been peaked though, and I'm not sure why. My chest has been tight, I've been jumpy, … Continue reading How anxiety changes my style of play.

Home again.

After eight and a half hours behind the wheel I am home. I'm home, but totally drained. The emotionally charged weekend for Brenda's burial and the drive out there and back saw to that. The bright side is I did get to spend some time with my parents. That is something that happens infrequently enough, … Continue reading Home again.

“new normal”

It has been an emotionally trying few days. Brenda's dogs Taffy, Skor, and Rolo. Taffy and Rolo joined our pack back in February, and Skor was rehomed. We said our final goodbye to Brenda yesterday. Today was a lighter day, but not without it's own emotional drain. We met up with some of Lynn's family … Continue reading “new normal”

the long goodbye…we will survive

How do you even begin to say goodbye? That is a question that has been running through my mind today, as we say a final goodbye to my sister-in-law Brenda. Today was the day of her burial, after her sudden loss in the beginning of February. With the burial complete, we are closing one chapter … Continue reading the long goodbye…we will survive

Today was a long fricking day. Up and out the door by 8 a.m. to head to Calgary to meet with a W.C.B. doctor. Today's appointment was an independent consultation to see how I have progressed in my recovery and if there is any permanent remnants of the P.T.S.D. lingering. The interview he did with … Continue reading

Finding company in the shadows.

Yesterday was long and exhausting. I attended a suicide, trauma and mindfulness in first responders workshop in Red Deer yesterday. It made for an early morning, as the all day event started at 0800, and concluded around 1630. It was definitely a worthwhile day. The speaker is someone who has lived with the trauma of … Continue reading Finding company in the shadows.

Trigger Warning: very dark place in my mind. (Untitled)

This is the last, and darkest piece of poetry I wrote during my latest admission. It does not reflect my current state of mind. The urge to harm myself hit me today,wave after wave, I fend off the assault by my mind.I did not sleep well,shat should be 8, took 11My brain lies to me,it tells … Continue reading Trigger Warning: very dark place in my mind. (Untitled)

Scars

Scar:a mark left on the skin or within body tissue where a wound, burn, or sore has not healed completely and fibrous connective tissue has developed. (Google dictionary) I have scars covering a good portion of my arms and legs. Like a road map, they criss-cross my skin, each one a testament to battles fought … Continue reading Scars

Fractured Faith…

BelieversFriendsFamilyPeople taken before their time.I strive to believe. I fight to believe.There must be a purpose to it all, right?My faith has been strong,my belief unshakeable,now fractured into dust.I don't understand, Lord.Help me understand, Lord.Friends falling ill,Family gone before their time,They are all at peace now,At peace with You.My Faith has been testes and left fractured,I … Continue reading Fractured Faith…

“Winning is winning”

It's amazing how much sleep helps my moods. I actually slept pretty good last night, despite waking up a couple times through the night. Mood-wise, today has been mixed. I have been doing tons of journaling since I've been here this admission, including some poetry which I will upload once I get discharged. The outcome … Continue reading “Winning is winning”