Recovery in mental illness is hard. It's not like a physical injury that can be seen. There is no casino splints, nothing visual that clues people in that something is wrong. Mental illness is all internal. Mental illness is painful. It affects relationships. It makes you question your own abilities and confidence. For significant mental … Continue reading Seeing in grey…
I'm sitting at over 560 blog posts since I started this journey in the fall of 2017. That's a lot of time behind the keyboard. I am grateful from my community support in doing this blog, and have no plans to end it any time soon, however lately I have been thinking about what my … Continue reading Going Forward… Goals
One thing that is really surprising about all the events going on in the world is that my anxiety is not climbing. There could be a few reasons why this situation isn't affecting me more: I already live with a heightened state of awareness due to my anxiety and Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome, and this … Continue reading Why I’m not panicking, yet…
Today has been quiet. I was at the church for our annual general meeting this morning, then some research and writing for a bit this afternoon. I was supposed to head to Halkirk to take some photos this afternoon, however since I can barely see across the street, I decided that discretion was the better … Continue reading Contemplation
Wow, am I unsettled this morning. I don't feel like I slept well last night, and in general I am just feeling spacey. I'm hoping it is a feeling I can shake off prior to our theatre performance this after noon. Today we are running through the dress rehearsal before the show opens for real … Continue reading Unsettled
The last couple of days have been busy. Between school, house-chores and writing for the paper I haven't had a bunch of downtime. I don't know why, but I found yesterday particularly hard. I had anxiety move into my chest yesterday morning, and it didn't budge all day. It led me to feel tired and … Continue reading Discomfort
I can be very all or nothing. I've been that way with many things in my life. Work. Relationships. Fitness. The biggest problem I had would be having the motivation for any of the above fall away after a short time. For instance, with the fitness, I would set lofty and in hindsight often unobtainable … Continue reading We are the sum of our parts.
"Be uncommon among the common people." -David Goggins. The quote above came up while I was watching a video during my workout this morning. It's a powerful statement. All through life we are taught to go along to get along. We are taught not to stand out. Com bine that with society's propensity to find … Continue reading Being uncommon among the common
I'm going to take a break from continuing my story for a few days. It's been cathartic talking about the calls and the steps since, however it's also been quite draining so it's time to take a break. Things have been going pretty good for me lately. Things with Lynn and I are going good, … Continue reading Worth it.
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Yesterday, I did something abnormal. Wanting to get moving a bit and enjoy some of the beautiful weather we were having, I actually went out to do some weeding in the garden. I'm not a gardener. Never have been. It's definitely not in my top 10 list of most pleasurable activities. Truth be told, a … Continue reading Getting my hands dirty
Another busy day. The last few days have been hectic. They've been a good hectic, but hectic none the less. The type of hectic where if I don't pump the brakes I am going to be headed for a world of hurt. Pumping the brakes is exactly what I am going to do. This evening … Continue reading Dissecting intrusive thoughts
Well, today has "long day" written all over it. I had a hard time falling asleep last night, even with my usual meds, and today is a solo daytrip to Calgary to go see a WCB doc. The appointment is not really concerning to me, but the 6 hours round trip with not great sleep … Continue reading Road trip…
It's amazing how much sleep helps my moods. I actually slept pretty good last night, despite waking up a couple times through the night. Mood-wise, today has been mixed. I have been doing tons of journaling since I've been here this admission, including some poetry which I will upload once I get discharged. The outcome … Continue reading “Winning is winning”
Little Theatre is done for the year, and I am grateful to have again taken part. Despite the adversity I've dealt with during the month of February, I am grateful for the experience and for the production that this group of talented individuals managed to bring together. The hours may have been long, but seeing … Continue reading Sometimes stopping isn’t the answer…
Two days into March, and it's still warmer in my freezer than it is outside. Paintearth County, July 1, 2018. Kevin J Sabo photo The last month has definitely been long. With the severe weather, the sudden trip to Saskatchewan, little theatre, and the addition of the two extra dogs into our home, I can … Continue reading The passing storm
I am feeling broken. The weight of the last couple weeks seems to have landed on me today, leaving me tired, overwhelmed, and rung out. I know it's part of grief, that I will have good days and bad days. What makes the waters even murkier is the emotional volatility that I already deal with. … Continue reading Trying to find an emotional balance.
Today is my fortieth birthday, and I'm home after a few days in Saskatchewan helping Lynn and the family say goodbye to Brenda after her sudden passing. My sister and I made it home on Friday, and then she carried on North, while I've been trying to get back into a new routine with the … Continue reading Adjustments
This has been a long week. Since traveling to Saskatchewan on Wednesday, it has been a whirlwind. We've been grieving the loss of Brenda, my sister-in-law, after she succumbed to a complication of a knee surgery. The Medical Examiner did come back to us with a Cause of Death. Apparantly she developed a clot from … Continue reading If the sun comes up tomorrow
On Monday, our world ground to a stop. I write this as we are traveling to Saskatchewan to say goodbye to my sister in-law, Lynn's sister, Brenda. Brenda was found deceased in her home on Monday by my mother-in-law and a friend of Brenda. We have no idea what the cause of death was, and … Continue reading Rest easy
I am looking at the upcoming week with both dread and relief. Not so long ago it would have been on or the other. It is yet another soft marker as to how I am feeling mentally. When I'm at my worst mentally I fit the typical BPD trait of seeing things in black or … Continue reading Seeing beyond black and white… finding hope that the opposites exist when they can’t be seen.
Borderline Personality Disorder is a major psychiatric illness that can be found in the DSM-5 and is described as: a pattern of instability in personal relationships, intense emotions, poor self-image and impulsivity. A person with borderline personality disorder may go to great lengths to avoid being abandoned, have repeated suicide attempts, display inappropriate intense anger or … Continue reading Moving Targets
I don't mind mornings, I just wish they'd happen later in the day. Up and out the door early this morning. Lynn has a market in Stettler she had booked long before she fractured her ankle, so I ended up driving her in, and am acting as a runner for her, as well as getting … Continue reading Finding the forest in the trees.
This morning I woke up not knowing what hit me. Where I went to bed last night feeling relatively upbeat after struggling for the last few days prior, this morning I woke up to a shroud of darkness that has settled over me. I am drained. My energy level is next to non-existent, as is … Continue reading Entering the storm.
Today has been one of those days where I seem to have been expending a ton of energy, and not showing much forward movement. I was up and out the door early for coverage of a local government meeting, then grabbed Lynn and I lunch from our local pie shoppe. This afternoon, I ran around … Continue reading Wiley Coyote Syndrome