Seeing in grey…

Recovery in mental illness is hard. It's not like a physical injury that can be seen. There is no casino splints, nothing visual that clues people in that something is wrong. Mental illness is all internal. Mental illness is painful. It affects relationships. It makes you question your own abilities and confidence. For significant mental … Continue reading Seeing in grey…

Sometimes doing nothing is doing something…

Today hasn't been a great mental health day. My moods and energy level have definitely been low, and I have been having a hell of a time managing to get anything done. My ambition has just ben gone. I have a couple stories for work that I need to write and I just haven't been … Continue reading Sometimes doing nothing is doing something…

Struggling with fatigue…

Today didn't go quite as planned. I ended up not sleeping that well last night. I don't know why, but over the last couple of weeks I have been having a harder time falling asleep than usual. I just haven't been feeling tired, despite the meds. Unfortunately that usually turns into me over sleeping in … Continue reading Struggling with fatigue…

Progress with reasonable goals…

Today has been fairly quiet on the home front. I finished up an article for my editor that I started last night, and submitted it, then started on the reading for my next unit in my university course that I am currently taking for my writing. I covered a lot today, though it was mainly … Continue reading Progress with reasonable goals…

Weathering the storm…

Tonight, I find myself in a contemplative mood. I found out today that the paper is struggling today, due to ad revenue fleeing because of the pandemic. According to the letter from the publisher, if things don't change, the paper may not survive through to the other side of this. It has me considering my … Continue reading Weathering the storm…

Good and bad…

The ride-along I was supposed to be doing with our local ambulance crew didn't end up happening. Because of the COVID-19 cases in the province our provincial health authority ended up suspending the entire ride-along program. I'm taking it as both a good and bad thing. It's good because I was worrying about how I … Continue reading Good and bad…

Refocus

Despite the best of intentions, everyone can lose sight of their goals sometimes. Throw in mental health struggles, and the very effort of survival can throw goals a little off course, or right out of sight. Thinking about the last few weeks, I can see that despite the forward progress I've continued to make, that … Continue reading Refocus

Busy with goals…

Our theatre performance has finished for another year. With my involvement in practises running since January and the eight recent performances, it's been a buys few weeks. It's been a nice diversion, but truth be told, I'm kind of glad that it's wrapped. It has been a big commitment of time and energy, and now … Continue reading Busy with goals…

Looking forward to routine…

I've been busy over the past week, and I'm feeling it. My energy has still been such that I am managing to make it through the day and get done what I need to, but I haven't had much energy for anything else. That's been the frustrating part. I continue to lose the war with … Continue reading Looking forward to routine…

Emptiness despite success…

Photo by burak kostak on Pexels.com I'm happy with how the first of eight showings of the Castor Little Theatre production of "Dry Streak" happened yesterday. Despite the simplicity of the play, the show is keeping my busy, and challenged in the AV booth, which is not a bad thing. I'm equally grateful that today … Continue reading Emptiness despite success…

The end of a decade…

Suffice it to say, I'm not the same person I was a year ago. With all the growth in the past year, how can I be? Then again, the growth has not been limited to the last year. I find it hard to believe that not only are we a matter hours away from a … Continue reading The end of a decade…

Looking back, looking forward…

Christmas is done for another year and I, for one, am glad. Don't get me wrong. I enjoy the holidays. I also enjoy when they end. This year has been additionally hard, with it being the first Christmas since Brenda passed away. However, we have gotten through it at least somewhat unscathed. That's not to … Continue reading Looking back, looking forward…

Rest & Recovery

It seems that winter has descended on Castor. The wind started up on Friday while we were in Red Deer, and has not stopped, bringing with it snow which began last night. Today has been a good day to hibernate, and I need to take these days of rest when I get the opportunity. Today … Continue reading Rest & Recovery

Admission update: Figuring out how to feel.

Well, after a week, I finally had the opportunity to see Dr. M again. He had been keeping tabs on me through staff, but hadn't seen the need to actually meet with me every day, which I suppose is a good thing. He confirmed this morning that my discharge is set for Friday. I'm not … Continue reading Admission update: Figuring out how to feel.

Moving Forward

Today was a quiet one. I took the doctors orders to heart and gave myself another day to just let my body rest. It's not like I did nothing though. I finished a book, slept, and played some Red Dead 2. As far as actual productivity I got some files cleaned up on my external … Continue reading Moving Forward

“Don’t quit when you’re tired, quit when you’re done.”

Well, today ended up being an exhausting day. I did get a lot accomplished thought. First up, I had church this morning, followed by lunch with the usual crew. After I got home, I attempted to cut the lawn while it wasn't raining on us. I got a good chunk of it mowed before the … Continue reading “Don’t quit when you’re tired, quit when you’re done.”

Dissecting intrusive thoughts

Another busy day. The last few days have been hectic. They've been a good hectic, but hectic none the less. The type of hectic where if I don't pump the brakes I am going to be headed for a world of hurt. Pumping the brakes is exactly what I am going to do. This evening … Continue reading Dissecting intrusive thoughts

Growth in the last year.

I can't believe it's been nearly a week since I wrote last. Things have definitely been busy around here. Between running between events for the paper, theatre, and the dogs, I've been on the go pretty steady. A year ago, I would not be maintaining as well as I am. A year ago, the last … Continue reading Growth in the last year.

Old habits…

New year, new me? Not so much. I've been finding myself falling into old habits I can't say I like it. I've been spending more and more time gaming. I've been neglecting things that need to get done. My sleep schedule has been thrown for a loop as well, because I've been allowing myself to … Continue reading Old habits…

Moving Targets

Borderline Personality Disorder is a major psychiatric illness that can be found in the DSM-5 and is described as: a pattern of instability in personal relationships, intense emotions, poor self-image and impulsivity. A person with borderline personality disorder may go to great lengths to avoid being abandoned, have repeated suicide attempts, display inappropriate intense anger or … Continue reading Moving Targets

PAIN

It appears that I have managed to mess up my shoulder again.  I had been doing physio for it during the summer, and until a few days ago it had been feeling fine. Then I had to help set up scaffolding in the church so the AV guys could set up the new projector. Yesterday … Continue reading PAIN

Demons

It's always the same.  The tightness in the chest and throat.  The increased breath rate. The hyper-vigilance. The racing thoughts.  The memories of those lost following me around like a weight.  I try to escape the thoughts that grip me. The thoughts that threaten to strangle me.  The thoughts that weigh me down. Failures and … Continue reading Demons

Some days…

Some days it just doesn't pay to get out of bed.  I was up and out the door early this morning, to get Lynn to a meet up with a friend taking her up to Forestberg for a market today.  My day was going fine until....until I got home....at which point I slipped going up … Continue reading Some days…

Drowning…

I feel like I'm drowning.  Over the last couple days, my thoughts have been getting louder and louder, my depression becoming overwhelming. What was easy a few short weeks ago is now a challenge. Getting up, getting functional, getting ambition to write my pieces for work, all of these everyday things have turned into mountains. … Continue reading Drowning…

“The war isn’t over when the fighting stops.”

Winter seems to be retreating, at least temporarily. The sun is out, and it's warmed up enough to start melting some of the snow again. I for one am happy about this particular turn of events. The last three days have been a whirlwind of activity. Covering several events on Remembrance Day, puttering at home … Continue reading “The war isn’t over when the fighting stops.”