When I can’t find something, my brain freaks out.
I search all over for the misplaced item. My focus goes out the window, and I struggle.
I had just such an occurrence happen yesterday. I couldn’t find the clip-on sunglasses for my glasses. I searched my work bag. I searched my car four times. I checked out the store, because that was the last place I remembered having them. Meanwhile, Lynn was completely un-phased. She felt belief that I would find them.
Going to bed last night, I was pissed at myself. I had the glasses less than a month, and I lost them. How could I be so irresponsible?
This morning, I got up and stared going through my morning routine. I was still grumbling at myself. I just couldn’t let it go. Then something happened.
A peace came over me, and a feeling came over me that I needed to check the car, again. I shrugged it off, because if they weren’t there the first four times I checked, they weren’t going to be there the fifth time, right?
And then, the wave hit me again. The peace, and the feeling I needed to check the car again. So, I shrugged, and went to check the car again. It felt like God was determined to get me to check the car again, at least that was the feeling I had. So, I relented and checked the car, for a fifth time.
I found the sunglasses within thirty seconds of checking the car. They had slipped into the driver side rear foot well, leaning up against the door frame. The relief within me at finding them was palpable.
It also got me thinking, I need to give things to God more.
By nature, I am an anxious person. I always have been. I find it hard to calm my mind. Particularly when I lose something. I learned something though. I learned that when my mind is racing and I am frantic is not the best time to be searching for something. I learned that God looks after the little things, as well as the big things.
In a weird way, the events of the last twenty-four hours have had me thinking about life in general. About the years I’ve lost to mental illness. The time I’ve spent worrying over too many things to count.
I’ve said before that I never expected to see age forty. Dealing with the combination of mental illness and traumas, I was a adrift for a lot of years. What’s hit me today is that I am meant to be here. God has had plenty of opportunity to take me over the years. Between near misses on the job and the demons of suicide calling to me like the psiren’s calling sailors of the past to their death on the rocks, the fact that I’m still here is a blessing.
Yet, patience and faith took me through it all. I came to realize today that I am in a good position. I’m working. I’m in school. I’m growing. Yeah, the last couple of weeks have been tough. I got myself too tired, and I lost sight of my faith. I don’t know what God has planned for me, but the fact that I am still here tells me He does have a plan.
I just need to remind myself of that fact every so often.