I’ve really been struggling the last couple of days.
Slowing down has not helped much. After the highs of the last couple of weeks, my moods are significantly lower than they were. I shouldn’t be surprised. It is now April, and they always seem to crash around now.
I’ve been struggling with my sense of accomplishments and self-worth.
I am not where I want to be in my life, though admittedly I am moving ever so slowly in the right direction. I’ve accomplished, and continue to accomplish a lot. I know that the self-doubts I’m having are just part of the illness, which continues to rear its ugly head.
Despite all the good I’ve done, I find it way too easy to get down on myself.
I need to remind myself that it is just the progression of the illness. I can’t be on a high all the time, nor can I always sit in the lows. The illness doesn’t stay consistent, it is always trending up and down.
The hardest part I’m dealing with right now is the fatigue. The last three weeks have definitely caught up to me with a vengeance, which is not helping matters. Keeping busy is good, within reason. It keeps me focused.
The problem I’m facing is that when I stopped pushing, everything caught up to me, absolutely draining me. In some ways, taking yesterday off was more stressful than if I had kept myself busy. Still, I know that the pace I was maintaining couldn’t continue forever.
I need to remind myself that it is okay to be tired. It’s okay to rest. It’s okay to have the emotions I have, regardless of how much sense they actually make. I’ve accomplished more in the last few weeks than I have in I don’t know how long. It’s time to sit back, rest, heal, and then get back at it.
Something I’m realizing is that as crappy as I’m feeling right now, I’ve been through this, and worse, before. I’ll get through this down swing. Fortunately, with the holiday the weekend is looking pretty light, and next week is a bit busier, but still nowhere near approaching the last couple of weeks.
The biggest thing I need to remember is that when I’m tired, when I’m stressed, when my thoughts are the most intrusive, that they are just thoughts. Acting on them or not is what makes them real. There is a big difference between thinking about relapsing into self-harm and actually doing it.
Time to recharge.
Time to treat to treat myself gently, and let myself relax.
Time to rest.
Time to bounce back.