Unstable sense of self…

I wish I had more faith in myself.

Surprising me incredibly, I got my exam results back yesterday for the twentieth century history final I wrote on Friday. First off, I was surprised that the exam was marked and back to me so fast. Secondly, I was surprised that I passed, and by a fairly wide margin. My overall mark for the exam was 80 per cent, which gave me a an overall course average of 82 per cent, which was good for an A-.

The number of times I have heard the phrase “I told you so” in the last twenty-four hours is depressing, because so many people had faith in me, yet I had so little faith in myself. The mark that I got back was definitely a much needed confidence boost; however, I still need to work on finding the faith within as I carry on my educational journey.

As I’ve written before, one of my several mental health related diagnoses is Borderline Personality Disorder. One of the key characteristics of the disorder is “an unstable sense of self,” which does shed some light on why I struggle to have faith in myself . For me, this particularly symptom is one of the most painful ones to deal with.

The fact is, I’ve always struggled with my self-confidence. Even when I worked on the ambulance service, I hid it by hiding behind a level of arrogance that did nothing but land me in trouble. Things I know now that I wish I knew then…

Still, over the last eight years since I’ve been off the ambulance, I’ve grown a lot. I’ve learned a lot about my illnesses. I’ve learned how to deal with them in the moment, and how to cope. Yet, despite my successes self-confidence is apparently still an issue. However, identifying it as an issue gives me a focus, a direction, to work on with my therapist. We are spacing sessions out more than we were, but I still see her regularly, and she’s always pushing me with different things to work on.

I’m definitely feeling some relief now that the mark is in, and am finding it easier to relax.

With this challenge now closed, I have a few days off before I need to jump back into things again. I start the second half of the twentieth century history beginning March 1. In my downtime, I’ve been letting myself get some rest, been doing some gaming, catching up on some household chores, and helping Lynn out at the store a bit. Work has fallen into a fairly steady routine. Due to the Covid-19 restrictions still in place in our province, I don’t find myself covering a lot of news events, however the process of government still continues and my town and county councils are proceeding regularly. It may not be as much as I was doing, but at least it’s something fairly regular.

Weather permitting, I’m aiming to head out into the back-country either Friday or Saturday, to finally try and take some wildlife photos again. Or photos of any kind for that matter. Outside of the videography and photography I’m doing for my church, I really have not been spending much time honing my craft, and that is something I need to change, quickly.

That said, I’m going to take advantage of the quiet and get some rest, because the last three weeks leading up to the exam were tough. With the few things I was covering for work, on top of the exam preparation, I was pushing myself harder than I had in years. Not that I relish pushing that hard, at least now I know how far I can push when the need arise.


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