Feeling empty…

This has been a busy, and stressful week.

On Monday I took Lynn to Red Deer for an MRI, then had a meeting to cover for the paper that night.

On Tuesday I had another meeting, followed by studying.

Wednesday, I was at the Alliance Market with my photography business, and I did not bad. That’s the saving grace, otherwise Wednesday has been by far my worst day this week.

Today I was in my office catching up on some stories, studying, and preparing documents for my photography business.

It’s been a hard week for me mentally. My fatigue level has been really high, and my concentration has been a somewhat scattered affair. The thoughts have been getting darker as well. While I haven’t been actively suicidal, some days it just feels like I could go to sleep and not wake up.

Still, compared to where I’ve been, I can’t complain where I am. The photography side of my business is picking up and gaining traction. As challenging as things have been I’m still maintaining where it comes to my schooling and my Athabasca University course is proceeding well. I finished the four-week videography course signed up, providing me with some new skills to stress my creativity with. I’ve even started work on a new video for my Youtube channel.

I know I have a lot of good going on in my life. What I can’t figure out is why I feel so empty, even with the good going on. I know that chronic feelings of emptiness are a hallmark symptom of Borderline Personality Disorder, but knowing that doesn’t make dealing with the disease any easier. The emptiness is tough to deal with, as are the urges to self-harm to try and feel something. I haven’t self-harmed in nearly five years, but lately I’ve been wondering if that record is going to stand.

Based on how this week has been going, I think I will be calling to try and get an appointment with Dr. M on Monday to try and head things off from getting worse. We’ll see how the weekend goes. I’m going to try and take some downtime on Saturday, but we’ll see how that goes. I think part of my problem is that even as tired as I’m feeling, I can’t turn off. When I do take some time to play the Playstation or watch a movie, I feel like I should be doing something else productive. The thing is, I know what happens when I push too hard for too long, and I need to force myself to take some time to myself.

Tomorrow is going to be a moderately busy day, but it shouldn’t be too bad. I’m filming the Pastor’s weekly devotional tomorrow morning, then video editing and uploading for the afternoon. Any time in between I’m gonna crack the textbook and work on business stuff. I also need to find some time to do an interview as well.

I know that this is my bad time of year. I know that I feel like crap. I also know that when I stop and look at things in bite sized pieces that things are not as bad as my emotions tell me they are, and that is something I need to remember.

Kevin