Holding the line…

Photo by eberhard grossgasteiger on Pexels.com

I’ve been struggling over the last few days.

My energy has been low, and I’ve been feeling totally drained. I have been having a hard time engaging in life, and feeling like I’m actually living.

Despite how crappy I’ve been feeling, I’ve been pushing through, staying at least somewhat productive.

I’ve been staying on top of my of studies, and with few exceptions I’ve been staying on top of my work as well. These are positives, considering when I have felt like this before I’ve totally imploded. I guess that’s progress.

The part that really sucks is lately I’ve been going to bed pushing exhaustion, and waking up pretty close to the same way. In between I’m pushing like hell, but feeling like I’m making precious little forward progress.

My negative voice has come back. The one that keeps telling me I’m worthless, a failure, and pathetic. I’ve been feeling like I’m on the edge of tears for the last couple of days as well.

With everything going on in my mind, it’s a wonder that I’ve been as productive as I am.

I don’t write this looking to garner sympathy, but to share what high-functioning can look like in some who deal with mental illness. It’s not attention seeking, and it is definitely not something that I can turn off. It’s part of my life.

The thing is even when I am at my best I still deal with a certain amount of the negative thoughts, however I can definitely tell when things are getting bad. I can safely say I’m not at risk right now, but I am definitely not comfortable.

That said, as long as I can putting one foot in front of another I think I’ll be doing okay. If things carry on more than another few days though I think it could be worth reaching out to Dr. M. We’ll see how the next few days go.

I’ve got a lot going on in my life right now. between work, church, and school, I’m carrying a fairly heavy load. I definitely do not want to end up in the hospital, particularly during a pandemic. I will do what I need to do, but I am hoping I can hold the line and skate through this downswing.

I think that as long as I can keep doing what I need to do I will be alright.

On a side note, I have started a Youtube channel, that I am going to use to record videos on day to day goings on, and mental health related subjects. The link to my first video is https://youtu.be/t4l5qUsfkRA. It’s the video from my camping trip that I have already shared to other social media.

Kevin

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