Today marks three years that I’ve been writing this blog.
In some ways it feels like yesterday the first day I hit ‘Publish’ and in other ways it feels like forever. I have come a long ways since then.
Or have I?
Today has not been a good day. I’ve been finding myself drifting towards old thought patterns and darkness. Being the time of year it is doesn’t help; I’m never good this time of year.
I’ve been feeling tired and scattered today. I’ve also been feeling the old feelings of self-harm coming back; nothing I would act on, but there just the same.
It seems almost fitting that I’m feeling this way on World Suicide Prevention Day. I’m not suicidal right now, but I would be lying if I said the thought hasn’t crossed my mind today. Still, the thoughts are just that, thoughts, and nothing I would act on.
Still, it’s been a bad day, and I’ve been here before. If it turns into a bad few days then I will need to be concerned, and consider calling Dr. M at the centre before things get too far out of hand.
Feeling suicidal sucks. The feelings make you feel alone and unworthy, like the only way out is by taking your life. I know it, but I also know that as lonely and isolating as the thoughts can be, there is help available. Therapists are available through the local mental health clinic. There are all sorts of phone numbers to call if distressed. Barring that, there’s always someone available at the Emergency Department of your local hospital, and in extreme cases we are less than a couple hours a way from a world class psychiatric facility. There are options, there is help, one only needs to ask for it.
I know it’s easier said than done. I know all that, and yet I’ve still attempted suicide, more than once. That’s why I know that the best intervention is early intervention. If you are struggling, reach out and talk to your doctors before things get too far out of hand. That’s why I am in regular contact with my doctors and therapists to help me navigate this maze of my mental health.
I am a long ways away from where I used to be, but the only reason for that is hard work, and just because I’m doing better doesn’t mean I’m cured. The illness still plagues me, maybe not as bad as it used to, but it’s still there just the same.
I challenge you, if you are worried about someone in your life, reach out, ask them the hard questions. I guarantee that you will not push them to suicide, but it may just save a life.