My own worst enemy…

Photo by William Choquette on Pexels.com

I’m stressing myself out, and I know it.

I’ve been working on my last assignment for the English course I am taking, and despite knowing what I want to say, I’m having a hard time getting my thoughts down. I’ve probably started the damn document ten times in the last couple days, but keep scrapping it because I am just not happy with how it’s going.

The thing is, I know I am over thinking it, and at the moment I am turning into my own worst enemy. Still, I have time, and am still on pace. I’m still aiming to get it completed for this weekend, but if that gets pushed into early next week, so be it.

I booked my final exam today. I write the course final in three weeks, so I have plenty of time to get my assignment done and prep for the exam. Then, once this course wraps, I have a week off before I jump into my twentieth century history course, which I am really looking forward to.

The big trick I’m going to have is getting around this mental block that seems to have formed, at least where the damn essay is concerned. I think I’m going to let the essay rest for a day, and head back to it on Friday with fresh eyes.

As much as it sucks that work has slowed to a trickle again, the benefit is that I’m getting the extra time to work on my schooling, especially now that I’m getting into crunch time. Additionally, the extra time has been allowing me to stay consistent with my workouts.

I checked my Fitbit app tonight and realized that I have been consistent for three weeks straight, and I’m definitely feeling good about it. Today’s workout was a weight day, and with the gains I have made over the last few weeks I was able to increase the weight on three of my upper body exercises, which has me psyched. With the extra weight I am going to have to pay particular attention to my form, but the first workout went well.

I’m making gains on the treadmill as well. When I started three weeks ago I was doing the thirty minute warm ups before the weights, and I was getting anywhere from a mile to a mile-and-a-quarter, including warm-up and cool-down. With the pace I was able to maintain during today’s workout I was able to make 1.44 miles, including warm-up and cool-down, which are some definite gains.

I spoke with M yesterday, and he feels that I need to be proud of the gains I am making, mentally as well as physically, and I need to remember the feelings when I’m not doing so well. I did tell him that I’m still struggling with the fact that between the economy and my mental health I may never work full-time again. It’s frustrating, but as I’ve stated before, I’ve figured out that I can’t do a nine-to-five, and that being in the wrong job is almost worse for me than not working due to the stress levels. All that said, it’s still a bitter pill to swallow.

Still, I’m grateful for all the things that are going well in my life, and despite the fact that I’m not where I wanted to be at this point in my life, I’m definitely not where I was. The changes in me over the last couple of years are not insignificant, and I need to focus on that.

I don’t know what’s coming down the pike at me next, but despite the challenges I’ve faced I feel significantly better facing the future today than I did not too long ago.

Kevin

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