Struggling with fatigue…

Today didn’t go quite as planned.

I ended up not sleeping that well last night. I don’t know why, but over the last couple of weeks I have been having a harder time falling asleep than usual. I just haven’t been feeling tired, despite the meds. Unfortunately that usually turns into me over sleeping in the mornings, which is what happened this morning.

Even with having my alarm set, I slept right through it, and didn’t end up getting up until nearly 11, which messed with the plans I had for the day. I still ended up doing some of what I had planned, but I ended up taking it easy for part of the day as well.

Still, I succeeded in doing some research for my next assignment and I ended up getting an article mainly written as well this afternoon, so the day wasn’t a complete wash. This evening we had supper and blitzed several more episodes of ‘Castle.’

I’m trying not to get to down on myself about the sleeping in. It happens. I’ve had a lot on my plate lately, and despite the fact that it hasn’t been overwhelming, it still takes a toll on me. I just wish I was having an easier time falling asleep. Falling asleep earlier would definitely help me get up earlier, and the fact is I miss my mornings.

I miss the stillness in the house, where even the dogs are still sleeping. I miss the morning light. I miss the clarity of mind. I need to really work on my sleep hygiene, because I would like to shift my sleep schedule back to getting up at six or seven versus nine or ten. However the first part begins with falling asleep, and until I get that back to normal, I’m dealing with things as they are.

Mentally, I’m doing okay. I’m keeping myself busy. I’ve put in the hard work, and now it’s starting to pay for itself. My doctors appointments are being spread out. My therapy appointments are being spread out. I have supports in place should I need them, but instead of chasing from one appointment to another, I have the time and opportunity to focus on other things instead of just my mental health. Don’t get me wrong, it is still an important part of my life; however, with the effort I’ve put into getting this point, I am finally able to dedicate less of my resources to it.

I never thought I would get to this point, and I think a big part of the reason I have made it here is because of the patience of my family and doctors. Instead of just writing me off, as others have done, the doctors following my care have been patient with me, cajoling and threatening when they’ve had to, to steer me towards the path of recovery, but ultimately letting me find the path for myself. They stand by me, but instead of inserting themselves, they let me call the shots on my recovery journey. Knowing that they are there but letting me find my own path has given me a confidence that I never had before.

I know that not everyone has had the same mental health journey I have, and the fact is that I have been through I don’t know how many doctors and hospital admissions over the years before finding the doctor who now follows me. The doctor that listened to me and helped me find my way, one to whom I am eternally grateful.

The fatigue I am fighting with sucks, but with where I am right now, I can weather this storm.

Kevin

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