Maintaining…

Today has been a busying day, writing and chasing stories for the paper.

I ended up having a telephone appointment with Dr. M at the centre today as well, and was unprepared for what he had to say. In his opinion I am doing the best I have since he’d met, proven by the fact that I’m still functioning despite the cumulative stress I’ve had over the past few weeks. I feel warmed by the comments, but also very anxious.

The thing is, he’s not wrong. I am continuing to maintain, despite everything going on in the world. He said he’d be more worried about me if I wasn’t struggling at least a bit, and that the fact I’m maintaining is proof of just how far I have come. Again, he’s not wrong.

He’s going to back off my appointments with him to every two to three weeks, though he emphasized that I am free to call him at the hospital any time if I need to contact him sooner. I’m nervous about spreading it out again, but I know he is a busy person, and between M, Dr. O, and my new therapist in Stettler I know I’m covered.

My meds are stable again.

I’m getting regular therapy.

I’m maintaining my routine, which is keeping me active and my brain engaged, which is helping stabilize my moods.

Unless the wheels fall off and I do need admission, Dr. M’s role in things is pretty minor at the moment and I don’t need to be taking him away from his other patients.

All of that being said, I’m feeling like I’m developing some cracks in my foundation. The suicidal thoughts have increased a bit over the last couple days. They are definitely not at the point of being a concern, but they are definitely a red flag that something is not right; however, even after telling him this he stands by his thought that I am doing well, all things considered.

For the time being, all I can do is keep doing what I’m doing, keep writing my stories, keep plugging away at school, and remain aware of my moods and thoughts, ready to intervene if necessary but otherwise maintaining.

Kevin

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