I’d be lying if I said that the last few days haven’t had an effect on me.
Between the ongoing pandemic, the slowdown with work, and losing Sirius, I have hit the edge of my ability to cope. I’m tired. I’m sleeping more than I should be, and I am unfocused. I’ve been struggling with ambition to get my schoolwork, or really much of any writing, done.
Looking at the positive though, this is the edge of my ability to cope. I am still coping, tough though it may be. Two to three years ago, the same amount of stress that I am dealing with now would have sent me to the hospital. That is progress.
I keep having to remind myself that I am dealing with grief right now, and that a certain amount of sadness is allowed. Hell, a certain amount of sadness is expected.
The last year and a bit has been hell. Losing Brenda. Lynn’s ongoing health issues. My own ongoing mental health and medical issues, and now the combined blows of the pandemic and losing Sirius. I think anybody in my position would be stressed.
The two biggest surprises though? Despite everything going on, I have not gone suicidal, and I have not been urging to self-harm. I’m tired, moody, and generally not in a good place, but the two biggest things that I have struggled with for years have not reared their ugly heads at this point in time. Again, that is progress.
I saw a meme on Facebook recently that made me laugh. “This too shall pass, maybe like a kidney stone, but it will pass.” I laughed, but it is absolutely correct. I’ve been through hell before, and I will get through this as well. It’s painful. It’s uncomfortable. I know I have the strength to make it through.
I don’t know what the future holds. I don’t know if I will continue sliding or if I am at the worst I’m going to get for the moment. Either way, I have plans to take into account whatever happens. I may need extra support, but I am optimistic I will get through.