I miss my dog, but unfortunately life moves on regardless of our opinion on the matter.
To be completely honest, I’m hurting. Losing Sirius has been a big impact felt by both Lynn and I. Even Taffy and Rolo haven’t been the same since Sirius died. They’ve been quiet, almost subdued. We’re all grieving the loss of Sirius and it will take time for things to settle into the new normal.
It hurts settling into another new normal, especially with the loss of Brenda just over a year ago still so fresh in our minds. In January I was optimistic for what was to come in 2020. Just over three months later and I’m willing to declare 2020 a loss, because it has been an absolute dumpster fire up until this point. As hopeful as I am that things will get better, part of me still questions whether things can get any worse.
Regardless of whether things are better or worse, the consistent is going to be forward movement. We can’t go back, it doesn’t matter how badly we try. The river of time flows one way, and our options are to go with the flow, or be drowned by it.
It doesn’t mean that we like how things have gone. It doesn’t mean that we can’t grieve. It means that we have to assess, adjust, and move on. I let myself hurt yesterday, grieving for the loss of my canine best friend. Today though, I was back in my office, attempting to catch up on work that I’ve been putting off since we got the phone call announcing his diagnosis not even a week ago. I was making calls, catching up on emails, and putting my mind back toward my schooling, because like it or not, it is continuing on.
My anxiety has been high since this pandemic started. It got higher when I saw the letter from the publisher in my paper saying that things cannot continue without ad revenue and subscriptions. I was stressed out because my planned hospital admission was due, but canceled because of the Pandemic Dealing with Sirius nearly broke me, and I have been off my game.
I am blessed with the support system I have in my life. B, who has gone out shooting with me a few times, and just talks with me non-judgementally. M, my psychologist, who has been awesome for me through all of this. Dr. M, from Centennial Centre, who got in touch with me, let me talk things out, and recommended a medication adjustment to help get me through, without an admission. Both M and Dr. M have agreed to follow up with me next week. Finally, I can’t forget Lynn in all of this. She’s been there for me through everything as much as I have been there for her.
I’m hurting, there is no doubt about it. Honestly, with everything that’s been coming my way, I’m amazed I haven’t gone right off the cliff into a full-blown crisis, but I haven’t. I’m hanging on by my fingertips, but I’m hanging on non-the less, and the fact that I am makes me hopeful that I will persevere through the pain I am feeling right now.