I think that slowly but surely, like the weather is warming and the days are getting longer, the storm in my mind is breaking.
This morning I woke up feeling like I have more energy, and it was not quite the battle to get out of bed that it has been. Even doing some work on the computer, I’m finding that the words are flowing more easily.
It is the typical cycle of my mind though. I swing through highs and lows, never staying at one level emotionally very long. It’s the nature of my particular mental hell.
The medication adjustment that Dr. O made did seem to help slow my mind somewhat when things were at their worst, and for that I am grateful. I’m not liking the fact that medication is giving me extra fatigue throughout the day, however sometimes you have to take the good with the bad.
I think I’m through the worst of the storm now. At least I am hopeful that I am. Yet it is just one more storm in past full of many, though each storm I go through gives me a new opportunity to learn.
What did I learn going through this storm?
I learned to be patient and kind to myself. I reached out for help, and was able to get some help in slowing down my mind. I took some down time where I could, and stayed the course. I let myself sit in my discomfort, and believe me, suicidal thoughts are uncomfortable. The one thing I am extremely grateful for in this last bout with the illness is that the impulsivity wasn’t there to go along with the thoughts, and that fact alone went along ways towards me getting through it without an admission.
As long as things remain on the upswing I should be good. I have seven performances left with my role running AV for our theatre group, work is picking up, and I start my next course on Mar. 1. I follow up with M in the beginning of March, and Dr. O again as well.
Unfortunately, I heard from H this morning that he is returning to the centre, and will not be my community therapist any more, though he said they are working on matching me to someone new. What really sucks is the fact that because of the timing, he is going to have to cancel my next/last appointment with him, slated for the beginning of March, and I won’t be connected with anyone new until at least April. Despite the fact I have to pay for his services, I am grateful that I have M in the meantime.
Life is full of good and bad. It’s full of storms and sunshine. I know the last few weeks have been a definite storm, however the storm is breaking, and the sky is starting to clear. I’m not going to lie and say that I am completely recovered from this storm. Finding out about H has definitely taken the wind out of my sales, yet what can I do but keep marching on.