Emptiness despite success…

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I’m happy with how the first of eight showings of the Castor Little Theatre production of “Dry Streak” happened yesterday.

Despite the simplicity of the play, the show is keeping my busy, and challenged in the AV booth, which is not a bad thing.

I’m equally grateful that today is kind of a light day, though. With how up and down I’ve been over the last few days, I need the recovery time.

My moods are still up and down, and I know it’s affecting my relationship with Lynn. The problem is, I know she is dealing with her own health issues as well, and I’m really unsure of how much I am reading into things that aren’t there.

I know that despite everything positive going on in my life at the moment, I’m still very unsettled, and insecure in many things, my relationships with people being one of the biggest ones.

I don’t understand why I have the insecurity in myself. I’ve got a great support behind me in my wife, my work, and my friends. I nailed my exam despite being pretty much convinced that I failed it in spectacular fashion. I have a job I love, and a new passion in my life with my work for the paper and my photography. Yet I still feel empty. I feel like I have to fight every step of the way to prove that I belong where I am.

That is the feeling that confuses the hell out of me. I know I have worked hard to get to where I am. I know that I am not here by accident. I have worked hard. I work hard at everything in my life.

I work hard on my marriage, despite the fact that I don’t always show it well. I love Lynn, very much, but sometimes I just have difficulty showing it.

I work hard at work, working on getting the information correct before publication.

I work hard at my mental health.

Yet I still feel chronically empty. I feel like I don’t deserve what I have. Eventually the feeling turns into a self fulfilling prophecy. It always does.

I need to break that cycle, and stay on the path I’m on.

I’m not the person I was five years ago, or ten years ago. I’m on a new path, one at which I want to succeed.

Kevin

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