I’m feeling the love today.
My Facebook page has blown up with birthday well-wishes, and I am grateful.
I know I haven’t been in a great headspace lately. I know I’ve been struggling and feeling overwhelmed. The support means the world to me.
I’m feeling a bit better today, at least compared to last night. Amazing what a good night of sleep does to someone’s perspective. As does reflection.
The last time H and I spoke we talked about the “heroes” I was trying to emulate in my life. Heroes such as author, motivational speaker, and former Navy SEAL Jocko Willink. Heroes such as motivational speaker and former Navy SEAL David Goggins -Do we recognize a theme here?-. They are heroes to emulate, but I am not them. I’ve never served in the military, and I struggle with self discipline. Still they provide great motivation and goals to set focus on.
However upon reflection, I feel that I have other heroes I need to acknowledge, the first being photographer, videographer, and coffee connoisseur Peter McKinnon, who speaks about his art on his YouTube channel. When I first began getting into photography and searching through Youtube for photography help, Mckinnon’s channel was one of the first I came across that really resonated with me, and I hope that through emulating him I can take my photography to the next level.
Another hero where it comes to photography is someone I have met and learned from twice, Mr. Greg Johnson, the Tornado Hunter. With the two courses I have participated in with Greg, my photography skills have improved, and as I shoot more, practise more, develop my skills more, they will continue to do so.
Thinking about said role models and heroes, I’ve come to realize that the way I look at and respect these people, whether I’ve met them or not, is how some people in my community see me. I’ve fought like hell, battled my mind, and I’m still standing. I have survived what some only conceive in their nightmares.
As much as my mind blasts me for being a failure, not good enough, never good enough, I need to remember that have come through so much that it would be a waste to give in and back down now.
I need to remember that I do have some talent, and skill. I need tom remember that I am smarter than I give myself credit for. I passed my EMT exam, and was successful at that job for a lot of years. I can be successful at grammar, and if I’m not, lives aren’t at stake, so what’s the big deal? I know I’ve been freaking out over this exam, not because I don’t know the material, but because I lack the confidence and the belief in myself to be able to do.
The fact of the matter is, this is just the first course of many, and 10 years down the road it won’t matter if I’ve aced the course, or skidded through with barely a pass. Right now, all that matters is the three credits attached to the course.
I guess what I’ve needed to realize is that not much separates me from these heroes. They are people, just like me. They get up, go to work, and have families. They are not always successful, and they have bad days, just like I do. I can look to these heroes for motivation, and tips for success since my path is not dissimilar to their theirs, in some ways. What I need to realize too though, is that I need to be my own hero as well.
The fact is, I have dealt with a lot in my life. I have skills, and knowledge. I’m constantly trying to improve myself, but I need to recognize how far I have come.
I’ve been struggling lately, but I’m getting through it. With the intensity of the thoughts I’ve been having over the last couple days in times not long past I would have given in to the self-harm by now. I would have been going to the emergency room by now. I would have been medicating the crap out of myself by now. I haven’t done any of the above, because I am accepting the discomfort, and pushing through. I’m doing what I need to do. It’s not easy, but it’s worth it, and if that isn’t hero worthy, I don’t know what is.
It’s looking like I may be able to skip being admitted to hospital for the time being, however that planned admission in March can’t get here fast enough.