CW:Struggling, but fighting…

I’ve been struggling the last few days.

Mustering up just enough energy to keep putting one foot in front of the other has been a challenge. I have a lot going on right now, and I feel like I’m drowning.

I know I haven’t written for a few days. That’s been for a multitude of reasons. I have been busy. Work has been picking up, and I have less than a week to prepare for my final exam. Our theatre group is in the end stages of practice, with our first show taking place a week from Sunday. I’m juggling a lot of balls right now.

What’s not helping matters any is the fatigue which has swept in, making an already busy schedule more challenging. I’ve abandoned my quest to get up and moving early, because at the moment I’m having a hard time getting my ass out of bed at all.

Pretty much any time I’m not spending on work, I spending on my studies, and as a result my fitness program has lagged again, which is really not helping either.

The urge to self-harm has taken a hold again, as well. It’s something I have battled with my entire adult life, though it is nothing something that I have actively done since the beginning of Jan. 2016. I’m really not liking the fact that my mind has gone back to this, however it could be worse.

I know I’ve been here before. I’ve fought depression, self-harm, and borderline symptoms for years. The Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder doesn’t help, but I’ve also fought it along the way. I know I will get through this hell in my mind that I am going through.

It’s not easy though.

How can it be easy when your brain feels like its totally bogged down in a fog? How can it be easy when your mind wants to start attacking its own body?

They can’t be easy, but then again things in life rarely come easily.

I am reminded of a quote by T. Harv. Eker:

“If you are willing to do what is easy, your life will be hard, if you are willing to do what is hard, your life will be easy.”

Dealing with mental health issues is an impediment. It would be so so so easy to to not fight and let the illness consume me. That would be the easy thing to do; however, how much harder would my life be if I did that?

My income would be less stable.

My physical health would be less stable.

My relationships would be more challenged.

Quite frankly, I would likely be hospitalized more frequently than I already am.

Those things combined would make an already challenged life more challenging.

Instead, I fight.

I keep putting one foot in front of another even when I don’t want to. As a result, I have a meaningful job which has been more therapeutic for me than years worth of therapy.

I’m in school which is constantly pushing and expanding my mind.

Even with the ups and downs and the struggles of dealing with my mental health, I’m further ahead than I have been in years, maybe even decades.

Yes, I struggle. Yes, due to my mental health issues I do need support at times.

However doing what is hard has led my life to a point where I am on the lowest medication regime than I have been in some time. My admissions to hospital are not usually for as long, and I don’t let myself get as far down the rabbit hole before seeking intervention.

With this down swing in moods I am not at the point of needing intervention, but I do need to remind myself that these challenges happen. They are not a flaw. They do not make me less of a person.

They just mean I need to keep doing the hard things, putting one foot in front of the other even when I don’t want to. I need to remember to cut myself some slack, and get some extra rest, so I can let my mind calm itself.

I know I have a plan in case things get emergent, however I also know that Dr. M. at Centennial is planning to admit me in the end of March, so in reality I just need to get through the next month.


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