Content Warning: Unexpected triggers and self-care…

Today was nice and quiet.

I was pretty much a home body today. I caught up on some housework, got some playstation time in, and got a workout in. This evening I watched a couple hours of television with Lynn, and have been doing some school work.

Overall, I’m feeling good. I’m liking that my schedule isn’t quite as hellish as it was. It’s giving me time to build on the self-care component that I was missing for a few weeks. I’m finding that I’m sleeping better, and my moods have been more stable. I think I found a good balance in my schedule.

Unfortunately, I do wish I was able to work more. With everything I had going on in October and November I was working damn near full-time, or so it felt, but sadly I know that the pace I was maintaining was not sustainable for the long term. That’s just being honest with myself.

The thing is, I did learn a lot about myself by sustaining that pace. I can maintain it, at least temporarily, but not indefinitely. I’d love to work full-time again, but I just know that right now I can’t handle it, especially throwing school and my photography into the mix. It is what it is.

I am grateful for the opportunities that I have. I’m grateful that I don’t have to work full-time, so I can look after my mental health. I’m grateful for the supports that I have in place to help me with my mental health.

My life isn’t perfect. My mental health issues still flare more than I wish they would. I have to be wary of situations I put myself into because I know some things trigger me. However, I’m learning to work within those guidelines, and deal with it when I can’t.

Case in point, Lynn and I were watching EVIL last night, and towards the end of the episode an individual who is planning on shooting up some place in a terror-style attack is playing with his guns and accidentally shoots himself in the head. Considering I’ve responded to a suicide done in a similar manner, that was a trigger for me. I kind of saw that it or something similar was going to happen, but considering the unpredictability of the show, they easily could have gone another direction. The entire scene happened with next to no warning.

On one hand, watching that scene has been causing some flashbacks and discomfort. On the other, the character that this happened to was an idiot, and the way the entire scene played out made me laugh.

Did the scene in the show affect me? Yes.

Was it avoidable? Yeah, if I didn’t watch the show. However, the show had no scenes like this before, so I didn’t know to expect it.

Am I focusing on the scene and letting it drag me down? No. It’s there. It’s dragged up some memories I would rather not have to deal with, yet they aren’t being totally encompassing like they once were.

I’m making forward steps. I’m taking time for self-care. I’m making progress.

As for the show, I like it, but I am definitely contemplating on whether or not I am going to keep watching it. It has an intriguing story and some pretty cool mythology, but it is going darker and darker, and I’m not sure if it’s something I’m going to keep watching.

Kevin

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