I’m bouncing back from this slip, and I’m learning some things in the process.
First an update.
I’m still in hospital, however my doctor has released my mental health hold and I am now here as a voluntary patient. Being voluntary means that if I wanted to push the issue I can discharge myself, but he does feel groups and downtime to let the dust settle for a few days would benefit me.
The suicidal thoughts have settled, though they have not dissipated completely. I find myself frustrated with this illness. Even when I’m healthy the suicidal thoughts never quite go away and it’s aggravating.
As far as the admission so far, I’ve been connecting with the group material moreso than in the past, and have had a couple of honest conversations with one of the group facilitators I have gotten to know over the years.
He said something that nailed my battle with the illness. He said that I have the insight, skills, and the smarts to deal with the logical side of my issues, but I haven’t figured out how to deal with the emotions yet.
I think I have, I tell myself and others that I have, but the evidence is I still haven’t. I still stuff my emotions instead of dealing with them. I compartmentalize, not letting myself deal with things until I’ve reached capacity, resulting in a wild emotional ride and active suicidal thoughts.
The positive, if there is one to be found, is that I continue to recognize when I start to slide, getting intervention earlier. In short, i don’t get quite as chaotic as i once did.
Still, there is work to do be done. Even though the acute phase of the crisis is passed, I am still off balance. Today hasn’t been great. I’ve been up and down, and just unsettled. I’m worried about Lynn and the extra stress this is causing her. I’m worried about work and school.
I know I have lots of things on the go when I get out of here. I also know I have the ability to balance everything I have going on. I think the doctor plans for a couple admissions a year to take the stress off are a good plan. I’m definitely going to have to work on the emotional component of my recovery.