CW: Rollercoaster…

Edit: today continued to decline and the suicidal thoughts hit me in a wave so hard I had to stop driving as I broke down completely. Definitely not a good day, but my doctor is fitting me in today.

I have way too much going on to be this damn tired.

While yesterday was an upswing in my moods, despite the fatigue, this morning is swinging back down. The fact that I slept like hell last night and the dogs had me up early to go pee is definitely not helping the cause. I feel spent, and it’s not even 11 a.m.

Along with the fatigue is the “brain fog.” My brain feels like Jell-o right now, and the darkness is crawling back in. The last couple weeks have had all the check marks associated with my usual fall time crash, save for one.

The suicidal thoughts have been wishing in and out of my mind.

My urges to self harm have been building again, and that’s not something I’ve done in nearly four years.

My appetite has decreased.

As discussed in a previous blog-post, my impulsivity is getting worse.

The fatigue I have been struggling with.

These are all soft indicators that give me a solid indicator of where I am mentally, and it’s not a great place. Something important is not in the mix though.

Despite all the indicators of the slide, what I’m missing is the urgency, the need to follow through on the suicidal actions or the self-harm. Even without that piece missing it’s still a wild ride, but without that urgency in my thoughts things are at least maintainable for the short-term. For the long-term, we will have to see.

Today is definitely at odds with how I was feeling yesterday, though. Yesterday I was up, feeling okay, and managed to get a lot accomplished, including some school work which I’ve been neglecting. I’m hoping I will perk up this morning and be able to accomplish some more today.

All I know for sure is that I really wish this roller coaster in my head would stop. I’m getting tired of this ride every few months. I know I can’t beat myself up too badly because this is the reality of what I deal with. I know I am not near-typical. I battle through at times crippling depression. The term “mental illness” is part of my life. I know that due to a multitude of reasons my brain has trauma. It doesn’t matter that it’s psychological versus physical. Trauma is trauma, and thanks to what I’ve done and seen in my previous career, that trauma is there, that trauma has physically impacted my brain, and as frustrating as it is, is something I have to live with. As hard as all of this is to deal with, it is something I’m starting to accept, which is why I think the urgency is diminished.

I know I’ve been here before. I know I have battled through hell, and have made it through. Going through this ride again is frustrating but it’s almost familiar, which is taking away the urgency. I know I can’t maintain this forever though, and sooner or later I’m either going to have to break out of it or get my medications reviewed.

For today though, I’m going to listen to my body and rest. I have a lot to do, and a lot coming up. If I push too hard now, I won’t be able to do any of it.

Kevin

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