I know I’ve been absent over the last few days, and that my most recent post was locked.
I’ll be honest, with the fatigue I’ve been feeling extending into it’s second week, I have not been at my best mentally. I’ve been struggling with impulsivity, self-harm urges, and ever darkening thoughts.
I’m hoping that the decline is tied to the fatigue, and when that rectifies I will start bouncing back. I know with everything I have going on during the month of October, I need to keep pushing through, for Lynn’s sake as much as my own. I am supposed to be heading to both Calgary and Edmonton in the next 10 days, and then Lynn and I are going to Saskatchewan for a few days before I have to be back in Stettler on Oct 24 for a mental health summit I’m speaking at. I can not afford to go down during the month of October.
The fact that I’ve been hit by this fatigue at this time of year is just compounding the problems I already struggle with this at this time of year.
I haven’t been writing lately because I have been resting. I’ve been sleeping, a lot. If I haven’t been sleeping, I’ve been otherwise resting, trying to beat this fatigue. It’s been a battle though. My energy level and ambition have evaporated and I find myself slipping down the slope ever so slowly.
Outside, I’ve been withdrawn, and more quiet than usual. My appetite has been decreasing, and I have not been up to dealing with people as much normal.
Inside, my mind has been at war with itself. The darker, irrational side of my mind has been getting vocal again, giving me all the reasons why I am a failure, why I am useless, and why I don’t deserve to live. The other side, my rational side, fights the torrents of negativity. I know committing suicide would devastate Lynn, her mom, my parents, and everyone in my life. I know I have much left to offer in this life. the fatigue let the darkness back in, and the battle is draining what energy I have even more.
I’ve spoken before about my “soft tells” that I can use as a benchmark as to how I am really doing, and I have to say, last night a major one was flagged.
Normally when I do things, especially financially related, I bounce things off Lynn. Last night, impulsively, I posted my back-up camera for sale because I had one bad experience using it. I didn’t talk to Lynn about it prior, I didn’t even give it much thought, I just did it. She called me out on it, and I ended up taking down the social media posts, but the impulsivity has me concerned.
Impulsivity is one of my biggest causes of trouble. Usually when I start getting impulsive self-harm is not far behind. I know I’ve been compulsively picking again, and both my arms are kind of bad. I know the impulsivity I described was enough to make M concerned during our appointment today.
I need to say, despite the dark thoughts, I am not suicidal right now. I am safe. I am safe, but I am floundering.
Seeing as I have an appointment with H in three weeks he didn’t push me to book another appointment before that, but I do have one booked in five weeks, and I’m under instructions to give him a call if I need to.
I’m hoping against hope that I can resolve this fatigue and that resolving it will help with my moods. Until I get the fatigue and exhaustion taken care of I feel that I’m in for a wild ride.
For the moment, I am keeping on, keeping on. I’m allowing myself plenty of rest and fluids. I’m trying to keep myself productive as the fatigue allows, and that includes getting at least one or two physical things done around the house.
Anyways, I will try and post more, but that’s been my update.