Pushing Red Line

An engine can only run at red line for so long before it will begin to fail.

With all the odds and ends I’ve been getting involved with in recent weeks, as well as helping out at the store, I’ve been running at my red-line for a awhile now. I’m definitely feeling the toll it’s taken on my body.

Mentally and physically, I’m drained. Throwing in the shoulder being a pain doesn’t help matters any.

Speaking to the doctor today, she is referring me back to the sports injury clinic for another ultrasound and possible injection, which could help with pain relief.

Mentally, she wants me to step back a bit. I have nothing pressing going on right now, so I need to take a few days and recharge, without kicking my own ass for doing it.

Today was the start of the rest. Aside from the doctor appointment, I got some laundry done, and changed the bedding. and otherwise have allowed myself to rest.

As tired, as drained, as I am feeling right now, it’s still different than in times past. Previously I would run myself down to this point, and the bottom would start falling out from under me. Cue the depression and anxiety.

Instead, I’m drained but feeling accomplished. I’m tired, but not overwhelmed. I know I can’t run at my redline anymore, at least not for awhile, but backing off a bit should allow me to recharge. For the first time, I’m slipping but not worrying about a hospitalization. I know I have the tools to get out of this.

I stand at a better point to catch myself now than ever before. I can do this. And if I slip? I know where the hospital is.

I did ask the doctor about if I should see a psychiatrist just to look over my meds again seeing as it has been awhile. She figures due to my relative stability it’s not really needed, but something she is more than willing to discuss again at some point down the road. She pointed out that even with my last hospitalization, which was a blip after Brenda died, that the doctors at that time barely touched my meds. She had a point, and definitely left me feeling somewhat reassured.

I have a “safety-net” appointment with her in a month just to have a look at where things are sitting.

So, for the time being, I am going to ease off the gas and coast for a bit, following doctors orders to get some rest.

Kevin

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