Counter-intuitive

Today has been a day.

I’ve been working on the fourth lesson of my course, and have been getting tripped by the various parts of speech. It was honestly getting to the point where I wanted to turf my laptop outside.

It’s frustrating. It’s painful. It’s a learning curve.

It’s at that point I have to remind myself that I am in school to LEARN this stuff. Outside of some rudimentary grammar I haven’t really studied English since I was in high school, and that’s been over 20 years. I need to remind myself that it’s okay to not excel, or even understand all the various components of English at the start. English is a complex language.

So, instead of getting too frustrated and pissed off, I did something counter-intuitive. I put the books down and joined Lynn at the store for a couple hours to clear my mind. After she got off at the store, we headed home, and I made supper, and unwound with Lynn on the couch for a bit before coming back to the books.

The break made a definite difference, and when I did come back to the books, things were starting to click. Still nowhere near perfect, but I’m able to at least start stumbling through. I did email the TA to see if she has any further resources for my to practise and polish my understanding of the section.

This section of the course is definitely feeling heavy, however instead of allowing myself to be overwhelmed I’m using strategies to reduce the stress and achieve my goals.

For those of you who know me, you know how big of a change this is for me, and how big of a challenge not getting overwhelmed has been for me in the past.

It just goes to show the change that can happen in someone. Just over a year ago I was dealing with another hospitalization. The admission in March notwithstanding, there has been a lot of change in me over the last year. There’s been more change in men over the last year than I ever though possible. I am mentally, physically, and professionally stable.

It’s not that my mental health issues are gone, it’s that I am using the tools I have to keep myself going. . I’m leaning on my supports, and I’m using my safety plan when times get rough. I’m getting more confident in myself, and my abilities. I hate that I’m still not working full time, but it is what it is. Between the work I am doing, school, and the other projects I have on the go, I can honestly say I am content with my growth, and as long as I keep growing, I’ll stay content.

Kevin

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