Changing the paradigm

It might sound trite, but I am not who I used to be.

A lot has changed for me.

A meaningful role that has been a good fit for my mental health.

I’ve found self-discipline to push through the discomfort and grow myself physically, strengthening myself mentally in the process.

I’m challenging myself mentally by starting school. I’m challenging myself physically by working out nearly every day. I’m challenging the inner beliefs that still nip at my heels, not letting them own me.

The support over the last weeks and months has been amazing, and I wouldn’t be here without the belief in those close to me.

I realized today that seeds of self-doubt still nip at me, they drag me down. My self-confidence is growing by leaps and bounds, but doubts still linger. Am I on the right path? Am I setting myself up for failure?

I have people reassuring that my work is solid, and have received compliments galore, but still the doubt lingers, waiting for the other shoe to drop.

I can’t answer the questions, but I can weigh the evidence to base my decisions on.

Is my writing solid? Despite what my doubts and fears tell me, the feedback I’ve received tells me it is. I’m on the right track.

Am I setting myself up for failure? The evidence is no as well. I’ve got the talent and I’ve got the drive.

I find myself wondering about my decision to start school again, it is a lot of time and money committed for what? Maybe getting a writing job down the road?

In hindsight, making the decision to go back to school may have been rash. The thing is, not making a decision is also a decision in itself.

I’ve set out on the road toward my degree, with faith in God and faith in myself, despite the fear and doubt nagging me.

The fear and doubt are uncomfortable. They are also part of life, and I can either let them paralyze me or I can use them to keep me sharp and help guide my decisions.

Something I have learned recently is that the most growth happens in discomfort. Whether it’s sweating in the gym or challenging yourself by pushing outside your comfort zone in school, it will be uncomfortable.

Speaking from personal experience, people quit when they get uncomfortable. I’ve quit on myself many times over the years. I’ve used my discomfort to set limits on myself, effectively blocking me in to a nice little box. It was a box I lived in for many years.

They say the definition of insanity is doing the same thing repeatedly expecting different results. I’ve seen how well that’s been working for me.

The repeated admissions.

The repeated suicidal ideation.

The suicide attempts.

The path I’m on now is strange. It is uncomfortable. Fear and doubt are constant companions.

I’m changing the paradigm.

Instead of using the discomfort to establish my limits, I’m using it to drive my growth.

The only question left is, with this changing paradigm, how far can I go?