On the right track

Today has been an off day.

We said goodbye to Lynn’s mom after she was here visiting for a week, then I covered the store and got caught up on some of work stuff.

S covered the store for me at 1330 so I could head to the church and help set up for the Vacation Bible School which we will be hosting Monday through Thursday this week.

I didn’t get a workout in today. I woke up tired and I’ve been dragging ass since I got up. It’s not a bad thing though, I’ve still be doing pretty good at getting back into the routine, and let’s face it, sometimes you need to rest.

After I finished up at the Church I headed home for some downtime. I’ve been finding myself getting drawn back into Call of Duty:Infinite Warfare.

Despite it’s many flaws, the game doesn’t have a bad storyline, and the graphics are pretty good as well. It’s definitely not high art, but it is fun and relaxing nonetheless.

This evening Lynn and I went for supper, just the two of us, and then curled up under blankets and watched a couple hours of TV.

Aside from my disrupted routine messing me up, I don’t think that the weather is helping my case any. In this region we’ve had the odd sunny day, but this summer as been generally wet and gloomy. Honestly, the weather has been reminding me of growing up on the coast.

The next few days are looking pretty busy, with events and meetings to cover. Days are also ticking down until I start school, something which I am both looking forward to and dreading.

In general, I’m feeling fatigued, but mood wise I am definitely doing better than I was a few days ago. It was a speed-bump on my recovery, nothing more.

Despite the fatigue, I’m feeling stronger everyday, and my moods are settling out. I’m finding peace within that I never knew I could have.

It’s been a long road, but I actually look forward to the future, and away from the past. The past hurts, of that there is no doubt, but it’s no place to live.

I’ve found peace because of the bullshit and trauma that I have experienced in my life, not despite it. Each and everything that has happened has led me to this point.

I can’t change the past. I can’t change genetics or trauma. I can’t change the fact that my emotional thermostat is off kilter.

What I can do is learn. I can learn how to be a better writer, a better husband, a better person. I can use all these experiences from my past to figure out who I don’t want to be, and that will lead me to be the kind of person I am meant to be.

I don’t want to be the victim anymore. I’m not content just being a survivor anymore either. I want to be a voice for this who suffer from mental illness. I want my life to have meaning.

I think I’m on the right track.

K

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