I had my appointment with H today in Stettler.
He saw before I walked in that I was struggling. He asked me what was up. He asked me if I was taking my meds as prescribed. Then he asked me;
“How much can a donkey carry?”
I’ll admit, I kind of looked at him blankly when he asked that.
He repeated again;
“How much can a donkey carry?”
I shrugged, because I honestly didn’t know, nor did I know what he was getting at.
This time he answered.
“One pound less than causes his knees to buckle.”
The light started coming on.
He looked at me again.
“I don’t think it’s meds, nor do I think you need to go back into hospital. You need to rebalance yourself.”
The more we talked, the calmer and less darkness I was wading in.
We talked about work, school, Lynn, Brenda’s passing. We talked about a lot, and he got me thinking.
He guided me down the path, but I started realizing that I am not where I was before. He made me realize that the darkness sucks, but I have the ability to turn on the flashlight.
The darkness I feel entwines itself around me. It threatens to suffocate me. It feels like it will never end.
The thing is, it does end.
The suicidal feelings and thoughts I get also suck, but they are just thoughts, and a major change between this setback is in the past where I have had suicidal ideation I have had the intention to follow through. Not so today.
Today the thoughts are just as bad, just as damaging as for the brutality of them, but the intention to carry them out is absent.
H also pointed out that out of 365 days in a year and a 80-90 year life span bad days are going to happen.
I ended up leaving the appointment with him feeling a lot lighter than when I went in. The thing is he didn’t just tell me what I wanted to hear. He has a way of guiding one down the path so they make their own discoveries.
We talked about the stressors in my life, and about the stress mitigation. The more we talked the more I thought of walking on ice.
I know we are in the middle of summer, but the theory is sound. In ice safety we learn that if we put all of our weight into one spot the more likely we are to break through the ice. Alternately, if we keep the weight low, and spread out we are less likely to break through.
Lately I’ve been focusing on everything that has happened over the last few months and focusing on what is upcoming, I’ve been losing myself in the now.
I’ve been piling on all the past and future burdens before I even know the full extent of what the future holds. Like the loaded donkey, I was brining on too much, and my knees were beginning to buckle.
Taking on this excess baggage manifests itself in the exhaustion and moodiness. I need to spread myself out, worry about what I have to and not worry about the rest before I break through the ice.
Needless to say, my appointment with him left me with a significant amount of food for thought. I have an appointment in the beginning of September to review my meds with my doctor, and if the exhaustion persists it will definitely be worthwhile following up on it, but in reality I’ve had a rough week out of a solid few months. That’s nothing look down on.
So what’s my plan going forward?
Mitigate the stresses, where I can. Try to unburden myself some. Finally, get some rest. If I’m feeling exhausted my body is obviously telling me something.