Give and take.



Fucking exhausted.

I had a a good trip last week. It allowed me to get some of the pressure off me. Yet mentally I’m still not where I need to be. It feels like after this time away I am even further behind the starting line.

According to my tech, I’m sleeping better than ever, with my sleep apnea being reduced to almost nothing most nights, and even my Fitbit is showing I am much less restless in my sleep. Yet I’m waking up exhausted.

This is never my good time of year. From August to December I generally struggle more so than other times of the year. It’s the time of year where most of my bad calls from ambulance have occurred.

Yet as tired as I am, as drained as I am, I’m still doing better than I have in some time. My weight and blood pressure are both down, and my fitness level is higher than it’s been since I rode ambulance.

I’ve got to take the good and the bad. I have to push myself out of my comfort zone, get out of holiday mode and get back to my routine, because my routine was working. The thing is, I need to temper that with the knowledge that I am approaching my bad time of year and I have to be prepared to cut myself some slack accordingly.

It’s give and take. It’s finding a balance that allows me to operate at my peak performance, and understanding that the peak can vary from day to day. The next couple weeks are going to be a challenge, as they are fairly busy. Things aren’t going to be slowing down much once September hits.

I know it.

I’m planning for it.

This is nowhere I haven’t been before.

I know what works, and what doesn’t for my mental health. I have more tools at my disposal than I’ve had at any time prior to deal with my mental health. As hobbled as I feel by this illness of the mind, I know I can fight through it. It’s not always easy dealing with the cloud in my mind, dealing with the noise, the negative thoughts. But it is always worth it.


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