So, I’ve read through the first chapter of David Goggins book Can’t Hurt Me, and to say the least, it’s been an intense read.
At the end of the first chapter, Goggins challenges the reader to catalogue the reasons why they shouldn’t be successful, and the challenges they’ve had to overcome.
For me, this challenge is easy and hard.
It’s easy in the way that I have a laundry list of diagnoses that have caused me no end of grief over the forty years I have been alive.
I was always a lazy, chubby kid. I’ve always had a problem connecting with others.
I’ve struggled with many relationships over the years.
I’ve been gripped by self-harm and a long with that my initial diagnosis of Borderline Personality Disorder.
I worked in the high pressure world of Emergency Services, seeing things that no one should have to, which led to the Post Traumatic Stress, complicating my already murky mental health situation.
Factor in genetics, and I was screwed from the get go. My biological grandmother committed suicide before I was born. My biological grandparents were varying levels of nuts, and my biological father had substance use and depression issues, while my biological mother is pretty much insane.
With the genetic components alone I was playing a game of poker with my opponents playing from a stacked deck. Add in the my other struggles and it’s almost amazing that I am as functional as I am.
The thing is, I’m a fighter.
I’ve learned a lot over the last few years. About myself. About my mental health.
The thing is, I still struggle. Life is full of struggle. We all struggle to a certain extent, and maybe I do more than most.
Hell, even over the last couple days the darkness has been rolling back in. In my appointment with H yesterday he sensed that something was off. I just chalked it up to being tired, because I have been pushing it over the last few weeks.
This morning, what was a darkness around the peripherals of my mind cascaded in on me like the surf on a beach.
I’ve been having the intrusive thoughts again, which I’m not liking.
The thing is, I know it’s part of how my moods cycle. They go up and down, and right now I’m entering a down swing. Unlike previously, I can see where I am, and work on hitting the brakes.
Through genetics and situation I was handed a bad hand in life, full of challenges. My mind is my biggest obstacle, but as I said before, I’m a fighter. It can’t hurt me.