I slept last night. I still feel like hell today though.
I’m just grumpy today. I have things I know I need to do, but no motivation to do them. It really doesn’t help matters any that Lynn woke up with a migraine again, so I’m having to cover the store until she feels functional.
Welcome to another day of hell inside my head. I’m sad. I’m angry. I’m frustrated. I want to lash out. My moods are completely out of balance and my emotional responses are completely out of sync with the level of the trigger.
It’s another day living with Borderline Personality Disorder and Post Traumatic Stress.
Some days are better than others. Some days I can function like any normal person. I can work. I can talk to people. I can relate. Others, like today, I’m in a bad enough mood that I don’t want to be around me. Some days it feels like I can carry the weight of the world, others it feels like I’m barely hanging on.
I definitely prefer the former to the latter. Unfortunately, I don’t always get to choose, I just get to play the cards I am dealt.
One bright side to all of this crap that goes on in my head. I have a high level of insight into my mind. Feeling moody and irritable sucks, BUT I can tell the difference between being moody due to fatigue and being moody because I am starting to slip. At the moment it’s just fatigue, so I’m going to treat myself gently, allow myself to rest, and do my best to not tear anyone’s head off thus causing irreparable damage to relationships.
I’ve said it before; mental illness is a beast. The dumbest things and can send it sliding into the darkness for next to know reason. However being aware of it and working on steps to mitigate any potential damage make it a lot easier to manage. It doesn’t make it any easier to live through though, but I have to take the win when I can.