Trigger Warning: very dark place in my mind. (Untitled)

This is the last, and darkest piece of poetry I wrote during my latest admission. It does not reflect my current state of mind.

The urge to harm myself hit me today,
wave after wave, 
I fend off the assault by my mind.

I did not sleep well,
shat should be 8, took 11
My brain lies to me,
it tells me I am;
incapable
weak
not worthy of love

These thoughts are nothing new,
no battle I have not waged before,

The thoughts to end my life,
the gift so precious,
people fight to keep,
my thoughts to give it away.

I long to feel the sting of the blade sweep accross my skin,
my stomach lies in knots,
I long to sleep the eternal sleep,

I know my loss would devastate,
I know my loss would hurt those I love,
but don't you see?

The short term, 
a loss it would be,
in time those wounds would heal,
my memory lost to the sands of time,
I would sit with God,
my soul would be free,
pain free at last.

I fear I will lose this war with my mind,
I fear it will take me in the end, 
but this bliss, 
as selfish as it is,
I long for it...
To have the quiet of my mind,

K