My appointment with the doctor yesterday was good, if not a bit strained.
He told me some things I already know, such as I need to change the channel in my mind from dying to living when I get overly stressed. His recommendation for me is Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. The problem is where to find the money to do it, as I have no real benefits coverage.
It is something I am definitely going to be discussing with M at the next appointment I have with him. With luck he can help me on the road to CBT.
Something else that was suggested is booking a regular sessions with him to use to anchor my week. Same day, same time. Book a bunch of them in advance and revisit it in a few weeks. I can’t say that it is a terrible idea.
After my conversation with the doc yesterday I did some writing in my journal, and started working through some cognitive distortions and patterns I see in my life. Looking at what I had written down as for as what I was doing for the last few weeks, it’s no wonder I slipped.
I was pushing myself at nearly 100 per cent before Brenda passed. I had no room left on my plate to absorb the trauma, or the repercussions of it, such as the two extra dogs in the house. After she passed I doubled down on my work instead of working through the grief, so I could remain strong for Lynn.
I need to say though, there is no harm in pushing myself because without pushing my limits there is no growth. That said, I know what darkness can descend on my mind when I get over stressed. By not allowing myself to have that wiggle room I set myself up for failure.
The fact is, traumas do happen. Life and death are parts of this world we live in. Nothing will stop that, and by not allowing myself that breathing room to absorb them when they occur I do myself a disservice.
Where do I go from here?
I’m doing significantly better than when I was admitted. With any luck I will be home sometime next week. I don’t want this to be a long admission.
Once get home, I need to get back to basics.
I need to look after my health first and foremost, mentally and physically, which includes fitness and refreshing my Dialectical Behavioural Therapy skills. I need to look after the house. I need to get back to work. I need to find the balance between pushing myself to grow, and holding back enough to deal with sudden trauma. I need to find a way focus my mind on the lease I have on life seeing as I am at a point I never thought I would get to.
One last epiphany I had during my journaling is this; At my lowest when I feel suicidal, I don’t want to die. I just want the noise to stop. I want the self hate and stressful feelings that threaten to overwhelm me when I get stressed to stop.
As for my faith, I appreciate the prayers everyone has been sending my way. They have been felt. That said, with the passing of a friend at home on top of everything else that has gone on, I don’t really feel like God and I are on speaking terms at the moment. I know my anger will subside in time, but for now, it is what I feel.