Still feeling rough yesterday I went back in to the emerg department at our hospital.
My doctor was able to find me a bed in Ponoka and am going to be in hospital for a week or two anyways.
I don’t want this to be a long admission, I just need to be able keep my head above water. I need to be able to breathe.
I never realized how slippery my grip on stability was over the last few weeks. I was running on adrenaline and doing what I needed to do.
After lynn coming home from her last trip home I was spent mentally and physically. Looking back it’s no wonder i slipped.
Something else i didn’t realize is how envious I am of Brenda being at peace, as stupid as it sounds. I have struggled with my mental health for the better part of two decades.
I am weary. I’m weary of the noise in my mind. I’m weary of the thoughts of death and self harm. I’m weary of the self hate and self doubt.
I don’t want to die by suicide. I want to find peace in my mind. I want to rest from the constant onslaught.
I want to find a larger purpose to this life we have. I need to know there is a reason for my pain yet others are taken too soon.
I know these are larger ideas than I can devote a lot of brain power to right now.
Right now I am safe. I am in place where I can rest. Where i can recover. I am in place i can work on knitting together the pieces of my fractured mind.
This is not my final destination, just a rest stop on the road of life. I know that. Just like I know a lot of what I struggle with is biochemical, which the meds only do so much for.
I know with time and patience I will swing through this storm. I just need to jeep my head above water….