Decompensating…

With my moods still being significantly depressed, I went in to our local walk-in this morning.

Due to both of our regional facilities being at capacity and me being urgent but not emergent my doc spoke with a consulting psychiatrist, and has added a new medication to my mix, which is helping slow my brain down. I need to go back to the walk-in on Wednesday to speak with my doctor again, and re-evaluate. If there is no improvement and if there has been some movement I may be looking at another admission then.

With the high stress that Lynn and I have both been under, my doctor thinks it will be beneficial for both of us if I were to go in, just so I’m one less stress for Lynn.

I’m frustrated. I don’t really want to go back, but with having no psychiatrist and everything else going on it seems reasonable. My doctor is also going to look into finding me a new psychiatrist. She hadn’t been too worried about it until this point because I have been doing fairly good, but with the added pressure…I think it’s time to look into that again.

I’m definitely feeling rough. My mind is alternating from racing at a million miles a minute to slowing so much that I feel like the world around me is in slow motion. After the last few weeks I’m not surprised I’m struggling. I was able to compensate through the initial shock of everything going. I was doing ok. I was ok until I wasn’t.

It was a sudden shift, but one I have been through before. I’ve been there before. I am great at compensating when times are rough. Unfortunately I compensated until I couldn’t anymore.

Even my doctor commented on how tired I looked, and asked if I’ve been sleeping. Which I have. I’ve been sleeping my 8 hours a night. The fatigue I feel right now is not one that a night or two of sleep is going to cure. I feel a weariness that cuts all the way to the bone.

Today is the second day in a row I haven’t hit my step count. I’ve been too tired to move. Still, I’m working my safety plan. I’m reaching out. I’m appreciative of the support as I struggle through this. Brain chemistry and ingrained behaviours are a bitch. The thing is, as low as I am feeling, I can still see the progress I have made.

I know that my thoughts are just thoughts. I know I’m struggling. I know that my brain chemistry is off. As lousy as I feel, I know that I have the strength to get through this. It’s going to take time, patience, and outside help. I appreciate the prayers and the support of all my friends and family.

Kevin

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