The events of the last few weeks have left me weary, and it’s definitely starting to catch up with me.
Since Brenda passed away in early February life has been a whirlwind. I’ve managed to draw on a source of strength I didn’t know I had in order to be there for Lynn and her mom.
I was able to compensate for the pressure we were all under up until the last week. Simply I was able to compensate until I couldn’t.
Just like I have some soft “tells” that let me know when I am doing well, I also have some that let me know that cracks are starting to form.
First off, I start forgetting meds. My routine is always taking meds last thing before bed, and first thing when I get up. Twice in the last week I have been so preoccupied and tired that I have forgotten to take them, which definitely does not help matters.
Second, my temper flares. I was walking the dogs the other day and Sirius the lunkhead kept jerking me around and running all over I pulled hard on the leash and yelled at him. When he looked up at me I saw actual fear in his eyes. That was enough to snap me out of it for the time being, but the temper flared again a couple times since. Nothing major, although I did boot an empty box as hard as I could accross the basement. I’m just glad there was nothing fragile.,.
Third, my concentration has been gone, and my mind has been racing more and more. My thoughts have started having a definite darker tone to them. Thoughts of suicide have passed through my mind, but so far I have been able to push through them by not wanting to put Lynn through that on top of anything else.
I have a safety plan in place. I’ve been using it. I’ve been using meds to slow down my mind when it races. I’ve been talking to Lynn, the biggest support in my life. I’ve pushed myself to keep up with my exercise. I know I have the support of friends and family in my community. I know that the thoughts are just thoughts, and I don’t have to act on them.
But, I’m weary of the fight. I’m weary from drawing on the strength to keep going. It’s a heaviness that no amount of sleep can cure.
So, I’m working my safety plan. I’m treating myself with gentleness, and will take the actions that I have to in order to keep myself safe.