I am feeling broken.
The weight of the last couple weeks seems to have landed on me today, leaving me tired, overwhelmed, and rung out. I know it’s part of grief, that I will have good days and bad days. What makes the waters even murkier is the emotional volatility that I already deal with.
Let’s face it, I am not exactly the poster boy for mental stability. My emotions are quick to trigger to extremes at the best of times. Trying to untwist the threads of what is an appropriate reaction and what is over the top when dealing with everything that has gone on for the last few weeks has been wearing me out.
The problem is, right now I’m in uncharted territory. My emotional template is cooked. I was starting to figure it out, but the last couple of weeks have left me as confused as ever.
I know that grief and sadness in this situation are warranted. On an intellectual level I get it. I know the stages of grief. I also know that grief is not a one size fits all mechanic. People move up and down the stages of grief regularly, and there is no set pattern.
I think my biggest challenge right now is trying to figure out a sense of scale.
I’ve struggled in the past with my emotions, where I had continual over reaction to stimuli. Over the last few months, I was getting a handle on it, learning how to find the appropriate response to situations. I was finding a middle ground, one where I was finding colour in a previously black and white world.
I was learning that not every situation required maximum response. I was finding a balance. I was keeping the darkness at bay.
I’m tired. I’ve been pushing myself hard to support Lynn and her mom. I’ve been pushing myself to look after the home-front while Lynn is away.
I need rest. I’ve had so many people asking about what they can do to help Lynn and I out while we deal with everything that it’s been overwhelming, but greatly appreciated. Unfortunately, unless someone knows how to repair the emotional thermostat within my mind, there’s not much anyone can do.
Tonight I will get some rest and be thankful that I see M tomorrow for a psychology session. I’ll be thankful that B is coming with me as well. I’ll lean on my skills while I work on finding my way through this. Lynn and her mom need me to look after things here so at the moment failure is not an option.
I have the skills to see me through. I have the supports. There will be time later to fall apart.