Sometimes doing nothing is doing something important.

Well, I didn’t get as much done today as I planned, but that’s okay.

After the events of the last couple of weeks, I definitely needed the down-time, because even my weekend off ended up being busy.

After traveling home Friday, I ended up on the go for most of Saturday and Sunday, between theatre commitments, dogs, and birthday supper. Today was the first day in close to two weeks that I managed to let myself rest.

I played Red Dead Redemption 2. I binged a few episodes of this season of SEAL Team, and played with the dogs. In short, I looked after me. If I want to avoid ending up in hospital again looking after myself is a must.

I feel guilty I didn’t get more work stuff done, but I am happy I did get some stuff done, both at home and for work. I did not do “nothing” today.

Sometimes doing nothing is as important as pushing yourself to your breaking point. I know it, but I still feel guilty. It’s because that is how I am wired. I need to push myself in order to feel good about myself, regardless of the physical and mental cost. Learning how to recharge is a skill that still feels alien to me, but is a skill that I am increasingly finding to be super important in my recovery.

The last two weeks have been tough. Being home alone with the dogs is definitely a challenge as well. I know I am going to be pushing myself hard for the next couple weeks and beyond. Lynn is going to be on the road more, in Saskatchewan helping her mom out as best she can, and I will be here working, managing the bookstore, looking after the dogs, and generally looking after the home-front so she doesn’t have to. So she can focus on what’s important.

It’s not going to be easy, but it’s what we need to do for the time being. That’s okay. As long as I look after myself and keep living I know I can push through this stressful time. If I need a recharge that I can’t accomplish on my own, I know where to go. I have a safety plan in place.

I miss Lynn. I look forward to her coming home, even if it will be for a week or two before she goes back to her mom’s. I know that I am better equipped now to deal with the challenges before me than I have been in quite some time. I have the skills. As long as I remember my tools I’m set.

Even with the general crappiness of the last few weeks, I’m optimistic. I’m living my life. To do any less would be a disservice to Brenda and her memory. It doesn’t mean I grieve her loss any less. It doesn’t mean I will forget her. It means that I will honour her memory by not losing myself in it.

Thanks for following along.

Kevin.

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