Fractured faith

I believe in God. I have faith in Heaven, and know that Brenda is at His side.

My faith has helped me get through a lot of my struggles over the last few years. At church this morning I found my faith struggling. I’ve been finding it hard to reconcile my emotions and my faith with the tragedy that our family suffered a short week ago.

I question why God chose to take such a young vibrant life. I am embarrassed to admit this, but I question why He took Brenda, who had so much more to offer in life, when I have fought the demons of mental illness and have been suicidal more times than I care to remember. I find it hard to believe in the concept of a fair and just God when someone in the prime of her life dies by fluke and killers and pedophiles still walk amongst us.

Being a mere mortal, I have no answers. I have my faith and trust that something positive will come out of this mess. Right now though, I find it very hard to find any positives in any of this.

The only bright side to be seen today is Lynn and I were able to see Taffy, Rolo, and Skor, Brenda’s dogs today, and we were both very relieved to see that they seem to be holding up well at the kennel. We are still working on finding Skor a new fur-ever home and Taffy and Rolo will be coming to Castor with us. Lynn and I are just hoping they adjust to their lives. It’s the least we can do for Brenda’s memory.

It looks like Kim and I will be headed home on Friday with the dogs, and Lynn will stay with her mom for another few days, then travel home by train. I can see a lot of trips out to visit her mom in the coming months as we settle Brenda’s estate.

I am trying to allow myself to feel. I am trying to allow myself the normal feelings associated with grief, however I know if I allow myself to go too far down the path I will be overwhelmed. I know grief is normal. I know feelings are a normal. I just have a hell of time processing any of them.

Emotionally, I go between extremes. I’ve been learning how to tolerate emotions over the last few years. I know the coming weeks and months are going to push my coping abilities to the test.

I just hope I can come to grips with my fractured faith in the meantime.


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