Good news, bad news

Photo by Victor Freitas on

Today was a long day.

Up and out early for appointments in Red Deer, and when B and I hit the highways it was blowing snow. It was not a good start to the day.

Thankfully by the time we cleared Stettler the snow had eased off somewhat, and we made it in time for the ultrasound that my doctor referred me for. It showed what had been suspected, a small right rotator cuff tear in the front tissue, and as an added bonus, it apparantly showed significant tendonitis on the back side of the shoulder as well.

The good news is that I know what is going on, and with the cortisone shot he gave me, it should start helping the pain within a matter of a couple days. At this point, the doctor I saw seemed confident that after the cortisone kicks in in a couple of days that I could start doing some light rehab on it and rebuild muscle. As long as I give it time, it should heal, and I won’t need to go for surgery, at least at this point.

The bad news is that with the tear and tendonitis, it’s not going to be an overnight recovery. If the cortisone does it’s thing and I don’t over-do the rehab, it should heal and that’s the end of it. Worst case is I go for another shot in a few months, and possible surgical referral. I’m really hoping that it is the former, and not the later.

It is what it is though. Nothing I can do but relax for a few days, catch up on some computer work, and deal with the future when it happens. Worrying about it won’t get me anywhere but stressed in a hurry.

Besides, My backlog of stories to write is always there, never seeming to shrink. And I love it. I’m loving that I have something to do with my time besides play video games and sleep. One of my appointments today was to go see my psychologist seeing as I was in Red Deer anyways. It was the first in person appointment I had with him in weeks, and it was sorely needed. Even better, he’s loosening off the leash, and I don’t have to go back and see him for a month or so. That said the option is always there if I need to see him sooner, and that something I definitely appreciate.

M said that he is impressed with how far I have come mentally in the last year. The fact that I got stressed, pushed myself hard, but knew when to back off and regroup. For me, that is a major step in the right direction.

In the past I would push myself as hard and as long as I could, resulting in severe burnouts to the point where when I stopped, I didn’t get back up again. I pushed myself to the point that it would take months of recovery to deal with the accompanying exhaustion and depression. And when I finally recovered I would do it all over again, never stopping to actually rest and look after myself. I lived to work instead of worked to live.

I’ve learned a lot in the last five years since I left EMS. I fought the demons of self harm, suicide attempts, repeated hospitalization and depression. I lost hope. I lost my path.

I’ve been through more support groups and therapy than you can shake a stick at. Each group I’ve attended, I’ve grown. I’ve learned new skills that have lead me to the point I find myself. My past still haunts me. I still have flashbacks, revisiting scenes in my mind that no one should have to see. Throwing the physical issues I’ve had thrown at me have compounded my mental health, but I am maintaining.

Part of my maintaining is realising that mental health recovery is not a destination, but a journey. Some days the journey is on a wide meandering road. Others, the journey is taking me down a narrow winding goat path where I wonder if the destination is worth the trip.

I hope this blog can find someone who is hurting. Someone who is struggling with the same path I find myself on. I can’t carry anyone down this path, but I can share the light and we can walk it together.


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