Today has been one of those days where I seem to have been expending a ton of energy, and not showing much forward movement.
I was up and out the door early for coverage of a local government meeting, then grabbed Lynn and I lunch from our local pie shoppe. This afternoon, I ran around shooting video of town for the paper’s website, and attempted nap and get some stuff done on the computer.
The napping was a fail, with Lynn calling me what seemed every three minutes to grab something for her, and then company stopping by (which was a great visit).I also stopped off at the church to drop a new log book off, and had a chat with a couple of board members and the pastor about the upcoming tech install.
With all the running around and looking after Lynn’s needs, since she’s still not that mobile yet, it has felt like I haven’t been able to get onto a stride and actually get anything productive done.
The house is a disaster area. I’m being pulled into many different directions. It seems that I am always having to play catch up on something.
I’m anxious. I’m scared.
Right now, as tired as I am, I feel like if I stop moving, I’ll drown. I can’t keep swimming forever though. Sooner or later I’m going to have to rest, or things in my head will get really bad. A shark can never stop swimming, or it will drown, and that’s how I’m feeling at the moment.
I have a history of doing this; pushing myself beyond exhaustion, then crashing and burning hard, no good to myself or anyone else for several weeks, then when I get on my feet, I start pushing the limits once again. I’ve often likened my cycle to the Wile E Coyote off of the Road Runner cartoons. As many times as he’s thwarted, he keeps chasing full-tilt after that damn road runner after he picks himself up.
I have to break this cycle. This chaos that it causes. I have to learn pace, instead of stop and go, my two seemingly default settings.
I need to hang on as long as I can. Lynn needs me right now.
So tonight, I’m going to go out with my beautiful life, I’m going to have a good time and genuinely enjoy myself, and worry about work tomorrow when tomorrow comes.
It’s not a permanent fix, but it’s a step in the right direction.