“Time and tide wait for no man.”-Unknown.
I’m feeling my age. I’m pushing 40. Lynn is already there. We are both definitely into middle-age, and I think we have both been wondering what we have to show for our life.
I know I have. I haven’t been able to give my wife the child she desperately wants. Neither of us are well established into our careers. Hell, neither of us is even in the career we trained for,
Lynn has the bookstore, and I’m privileged to be doing the important work I have fallen into. Yet, it feels like something is missing. I look at my life, and see destruction and instability in my wake. I look at my life, and wonder what my legacy will be.
I’ve never had a son to play ball with, or a daughter to fret over. Financially, we’re treading water; not really gaining or falling behind.
I ask God what my purpose is; what my legacy shall be. I still haven’t heard back on that one.
I wonder, at times, if I were to die tomorrow would I be a friend fondly reminisced, or would I be remembered as wrecking ball in people’s lives? Or worse yet, would I be but a footnote in the history of this community?
Success or failure? Memory or obscurity?
The only one who can answer that has yet to show His hand.
Or has He?
In a broad sense, when I look at my life it is easy to see the chaos. However when I start peeling back the layers, it’s impossible to not find good in my wake as well.
In my 13 year career as an EMT I responded to countless calls, impacting many lives. I may not have been able to save everyone in need, but I was there to help the families pick up the pieces, allowing them to know that everything that could be done, was.
Lynn and I welcomed my sister with open arms when my biological mother kicked her out of the house with the clothes on her back. She lived with us for two years, and having her here, and all her friends coming through, we impacted many youth in our community.
When I left the ambulance service, I was really unwell. The rescuer needed to be rescued. I’ve been in and out of hospital more times than I care to count. I’ve attempted to take my life. I was lost in the darkness.
I still struggle; this time of year especially. Some days are better than others, but even on my darkest days the dark doesn’t seem so overwhelming. I am beginning to see a light in the darkness.
Just over a year ago I began writing again, something I haven’t done with consistency since high-school. I blog here, sharing my story with those who either suffer the same as I do, or sharing with the families of those struggling, allowing them to have some insight into what a day with mental illness is like.
That writing in turn led me to writing for the local paper, providing coverage in this town that I have been told it hasn’t seen in years.
At the paper, we have archives going all the way back to when the paper was started, and I feel privileged to know that one day my stories will share those archives.
I have many regrets and I’ve made many mistakes which have all led me to where I am today. Despite those mistakes I’ve made in my life, that is a legacy I can live with.