Drowning…

I feel like I’m drowning. 

Over the last couple days, my thoughts have been getting louder and louder, my depression becoming overwhelming.

What was easy a few short weeks ago is now a challenge. Getting up, getting functional, getting ambition to write my pieces for work, all of these everyday things have turned into mountains.

The darkness and fatigue have returned. It happens. It’s happened before. It will happen again. What happens next will determine how I weather this storm. 

I’ve already started trying to lighten my schedule, where I can. I’m focussing on getting rest, and doing self-care. I’m trying not to feel too guilty when I don’t get things accomplished. 

It’s hard struggling with the demons that wander my mind. The demons that lay, ready to pounce on me when I get tired and let my guard down. 

It’s hard struggling with anxiety that flares, telling me I’m not good enough. It’s a challenge facing the mountains of things I have to get done, but not having the energy to do it. 

It’s hell struggling with the urge to self harm to deal with the conflict inside me when I start to fall. 

My next moves are crucial. They will determine whether I continue the fall or whether I can find an anchor point, and begin the climb back up. 

I’m easing up my schedule, for a few days anyways. I’m looking after Lynn, as she heals physically from her fractured ankle. I’m taking time to game. To sleep. To treat myself well. Lynn is helping me in this, just as I am helping her. 

I know I have support of my friends and family. I know I’m loved and appreciated, even if my own voice inside screams at me otherwise. I know this is just another battle, in the war of my life. 

Thanks for following along.

Kevin.

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