Month: November 2018

Entering the storm.

by thrutheashesblog, posted in ;, Anxiety, Balancing Mental Illness, Belly of the beast, Black and white thinking, borderline personality disorder, bpd, Depression, END THE STIGMA, Fatigue, Fuck Mental Illness, journalism, Mental health, Mental Health awareness, Mental Health recovery, Mental Illness Awareness, my story isn't over yet., ptsd, reporter, Self-care, small victories, Storms, Stress, Suicidal Mind, suicide survivor, Uncategorized, Writing Therapy

This morning I woke up not knowing what hit me.  Where I went to bed last night feeling relatively upbeat after struggling for the last few days prior, this morning I woke up to a shroud of darkness that has settled over me.  I am drained. My energy level is next to non-existent, as is … Continue reading Entering the storm.

Despite the lies my illness tell me, I know I’ve left my mark.

by thrutheashesblog, posted in ;, Anxiety, Balancing Mental Illness, Belly of the beast, borderline personality disorder, bpd, Depression, END THE STIGMA, Fatigue, Fuck Mental Illness, journalism, Mental health, Mental Health awareness, Mental Health recovery, Mental Illness Awareness, ptsd, reporter, Self-care, small victories, Suicidal Mind, suicide survivor, Uncategorized, Writing Therapy

Today has been long, and busy. I spent the day at the church today, while Lynn was working in the office there. We had a team from Parkland Audio/Video in Red Deer come out today to install a new projector for our Sanctuary, and help me troubleshoot some gremlins I was having in the soundboard.  … Continue reading Despite the lies my illness tell me, I know I’ve left my mark.

I can’t define my role in this world, so I’m redefining it for myself…

by thrutheashesblog, posted in ;, Anxiety, Balancing Mental Illness, Belly of the beast, borderline personality disorder, bpd, Depression, END THE STIGMA, Faith, Fatigue, Fitness, Fuck Mental Illness, journalism, learning new skills, loss, Mental health, Mental Health awareness, Mental Health recovery, Mental Illness Awareness, my story isn't over yet., ptsd, reporter, Self-care, small victories, Storms, Suicidal Mind, suicide survivor, Uncategorized, Writing Therapy

So, I think I've been biting off more than I can chew... The fact that it happened tells me how chaotic life is getting. I need to hit the brakes before things totally go off the rails. When I am starting to miss appointments without even realising it, something is wrong.  Photo by Pixabay on … Continue reading I can’t define my role in this world, so I’m redefining it for myself…

Wiley Coyote Syndrome

by thrutheashesblog, posted in ;, Anxiety, Balancing Mental Illness, Belly of the beast, Black and white thinking, borderline personality disorder, bpd, Depression, END THE STIGMA, Fatigue, Fuck Mental Illness, journalism, Mental health, Mental Health awareness, Mental Health recovery, Mental Illness Awareness, ptsd, reporter, Self-care, Storms, Stress, Suicidal Mind, suicide survivor, Uncategorized, Writing Therapy

Today has been one of those days where I seem to have been expending a ton of energy, and not showing much forward movement.  I was up and out the door early for coverage of a local government meeting, then grabbed Lynn and I lunch from our local pie shoppe. This afternoon, I ran around … Continue reading Wiley Coyote Syndrome

Demons

by thrutheashesblog, posted in ;, Abandonment, Anxiety, Balancing Mental Illness, Belly of the beast, Black and white thinking, borderline personality disorder, bpd, Brentwood College School, Depression, END THE STIGMA, Faith, Fatigue, Fuck Mental Illness, Mental health, Mental Health awareness, Mental Health recovery, Mental Illness Awareness, my story isn't over yet., ptsd, Self-care, Stress, Suicidal Mind, suicide survivor, Uncategorized, Writing Therapy

It's always the same.  The tightness in the chest and throat.  The increased breath rate. The hyper-vigilance. The racing thoughts.  The memories of those lost following me around like a weight.  I try to escape the thoughts that grip me. The thoughts that threaten to strangle me.  The thoughts that weigh me down. Failures and … Continue reading Demons

Movie Review: Fantastic Beasts, The Crimes of Grindelwald. (No spoilers)

by thrutheashesblog, posted in Entertainment, just for fun, Uncategorized, Writing Therapy

I went in to Fantastic Beasts: the Crimes of Grindewald with mixed expectations. It's not that I was expecting it to be a bad show, but after how well done the first one was I wasn't sure how a sequel would do.  In a word: WOW.  From the opening sequence to the end credits, the … Continue reading Movie Review: Fantastic Beasts, The Crimes of Grindelwald. (No spoilers)

What is my legacy?

by thrutheashesblog, posted in ;, Balancing Mental Illness, Belly of the beast, borderline personality disorder, bpd, Depression, Emergency medical services, ems, END THE STIGMA, Faith, Family, Fuck Mental Illness, journalism, Mental health, Mental Health awareness, Mental Health recovery, Mental Illness Awareness, my story isn't over yet., ptsd, reporter, Self-care, small victories, Storms, Suicidal Mind, suicide survivor, Uncategorized, Writing Therapy

Photo by Mike on Pexels.com "Time and tide wait for no man."-Unknown. I'm feeling my age. I'm pushing 40. Lynn is already there. We are both definitely into middle-age, and I think we have both been wondering what we have to show for our life. I know I have. I haven't been able to give … Continue reading What is my legacy?

Rant: Peanuts, Racism, and revisionist history.

by thrutheashesblog, posted in ;, Balancing Mental Illness, borderline personality disorder, bpd, Depression, END THE STIGMA, Fuck Mental Illness, History, journalism, Learn from history!, Mental health, Mental Health awareness, Mental Health recovery, Mental Illness Awareness, my story isn't over yet., People are easily offended, Politics, ptsd, Self-care, Snowflakes, Storms, Stress, Suicidal Mind, suicide survivor, Uncategorized, Writing Therapy

I weep for humanity.  I'm pretty sure that unless you've lived in a cave, you have heard about the outrage over the Peanuts Thanksgiving Special and how utterly racist it is.  The Peanuts gang started their run in the comic section of the paper way back in 1950, and ran until 2000. Fifty years of … Continue reading Rant: Peanuts, Racism, and revisionist history.

Some days…

by thrutheashesblog, posted in ;, Abandonment, Anxiety, Balancing Mental Illness, Belly of the beast, Black and white thinking, borderline personality disorder, bpd, Depression, END THE STIGMA, Fuck Mental Illness, Mental health, Mental Health awareness, Mental Health recovery, Mental Illness Awareness, my story isn't over yet., ptsd, Self-care, small victories, Storms, Stress, Suicidal Mind, suicide survivor, Uncategorized, Writing Therapy

Some days it just doesn't pay to get out of bed.  I was up and out the door early this morning, to get Lynn to a meet up with a friend taking her up to Forestberg for a market today.  My day was going fine until....until I got home....at which point I slipped going up … Continue reading Some days…

A ghost from the past guiding my future.

by thrutheashesblog, posted in ;, Anxiety, Balancing Mental Illness, Belly of the beast, borderline personality disorder, bpd, Depression, END THE STIGMA, Faith, Fuck Mental Illness, grief, History, journalism, loss, Mental health, Mental Health awareness, Mental Health recovery, Mental Illness Awareness, my story isn't over yet., ptsd, reporter, Self-care, small victories, Storms, Stress, Suicidal Mind, suicide survivor, Uncategorized, Uncharted, Writing Therapy

We can not move through this life without leaving our mark on others, just as others can't help but leave their mark on us.  I worry. I worry about the impact I have on my family, and my friends. I worry that my legacy to them will be losing this war in my mind.  I … Continue reading A ghost from the past guiding my future.

Drowning…

by thrutheashesblog, posted in ;, Abandonment, Anxiety, Balancing Mental Illness, Belly of the beast, Black and white thinking, borderline personality disorder, bpd, Depression, END THE STIGMA, Fatigue, Fuck Mental Illness, Mental health, Mental Health awareness, Mental Health recovery, Mental Illness Awareness, my story isn't over yet., ptsd, Self-care, Storms, Suicidal Mind, suicide survivor, Uncategorized, Writing Therapy

I feel like I'm drowning.  Over the last couple days, my thoughts have been getting louder and louder, my depression becoming overwhelming. What was easy a few short weeks ago is now a challenge. Getting up, getting functional, getting ambition to write my pieces for work, all of these everyday things have turned into mountains. … Continue reading Drowning…

“You don’t always get what you want, but sometimes you get what you need.”

by thrutheashesblog, posted in ;, Anxiety, Balancing Mental Illness, Belly of the beast, borderline personality disorder, bpd, Depression, END THE STIGMA, Fatigue, Fuck Mental Illness, Mental health, Mental Health awareness, Mental Health recovery, Mental Illness Awareness, my story isn't over yet., ptsd, Self-care, Stress, Suicidal Mind, suicide survivor, Uncategorized, Writing Therapy

I've been struggling today. My mind is in turmoil, and my inner voice is lost in the commotion.  As much as I have been enjoying everything I'm doing, I'm feeling it.  I'm feeling it, and am having a moment where I am feeling the sting of defeat and frustration.  I want to work. I want … Continue reading “You don’t always get what you want, but sometimes you get what you need.”

The arena.

by thrutheashesblog, posted in ;, Anxiety, Balancing Mental Illness, Belly of the beast, borderline personality disorder, bpd, Depression, END THE STIGMA, Fuck Mental Illness, Mental health, Mental Health awareness, Mental Health recovery, Mental Illness Awareness, my story isn't over yet., ptsd, small victories, suicide survivor, Uncategorized, Writing Therapy

"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who … Continue reading The arena.

Trigger-warning; PTSD-a slow burn.

by thrutheashesblog, posted in ;, Anxiety, Balancing Mental Illness, Belly of the beast, borderline personality disorder, bpd, Depression, Emergency medical services, ems, END THE STIGMA, Faith, Fatigue, Fuck Mental Illness, journalism, Mental health, Mental Health awareness, Mental Health recovery, Mental Illness Awareness, my story isn't over yet., ptsd, reporter, Self-care, small victories, Stress, suicide survivor, Uncategorized, Writing Therapy

Life has a way of leaving marks on someone. Some events are so heavily imprinted in our memory, that try as we may, we can never fully escape their impact.  For me, the flashbacks come much less frequent than they used to. The more time that separates me from the event, the more therapy I … Continue reading Trigger-warning; PTSD-a slow burn.

Picking battles.

by thrutheashesblog, posted in ;, Anxiety, Balancing Mental Illness, Belly of the beast, borderline personality disorder, bpd, Depression, END THE STIGMA, Faith, Family, Fatigue, Fuck Mental Illness, journalism, learning new skills, Mental health, Mental Health awareness, Mental Health recovery, Mental Illness Awareness, my story isn't over yet., Politics, ptsd, reporter, Self-care, small victories, Suicidal Mind, suicide survivor, Uncategorized, Writing Therapy

Something that I have learned how to do is pick my battles. Some days my energy is higher, and I'm able to power through just about anything. Other days, not so much. Unfortunately, today was one of those days. With the pace I've been keeping....and increasing, my fatigue level has been rising. My energy has … Continue reading Picking battles.

Are you up for the challenge?

by thrutheashesblog, posted in ;, Anxiety, Balancing Mental Illness, Belly of the beast, borderline personality disorder, bpd, Depression, END THE STIGMA, Family, Fatigue, Fuck Mental Illness, journalism, learning new skills, Mental health, Mental Health awareness, Mental Health recovery, Mental Illness Awareness, my story isn't over yet., PS4, ptsd, reporter, Self-care, small victories, Stress, Suicidal Mind, suicide survivor, Uncategorized, Writing Therapy

The sky is the type of deep blue today that you only see during the winter. The sun is low on the horizon at these latitudes, and the temperature is sitting around -12C. It's frosty, but the type of beautiful day that is hard to not enjoy.  I'm covering the store again today, as Lynn … Continue reading Are you up for the challenge?

Life update: Keeping busy.

by thrutheashesblog, posted in ;, Anxiety, Balancing Mental Illness, Belly of the beast, borderline personality disorder, bpd, Depression, END THE STIGMA, Faith, Fuck Mental Illness, journalism, learning new skills, Mental health, Mental Health awareness, Mental Health recovery, Mental Illness Awareness, my story isn't over yet., ptsd, reporter, Self-care, small victories, Storms, Stress, suicide survivor, Uncategorized, Writing Therapy

Well after a couple day absence, I am back.  This week has been busy to say the least. Wednesday I was in Stettler for most of the day covering one of my regular beats for the paper, then spent some time in the newspapers office working on a story while it was still fresh in … Continue reading Life update: Keeping busy.

Movie Review (No Spoilers): Bohemian Rhapsody

by thrutheashesblog, posted in ;, borderline personality disorder, Entertainment, Fiction, History, Uncategorized

Lynn and I had our first date night in quite awhile last night. We took a run in to Stettler, dropped some bookshelves off at the Stettler mall in preparation for the Christmas event that she is partaking in this Friday and Saturday.  After, we went for supper at one of the local restaurants, then … Continue reading Movie Review (No Spoilers): Bohemian Rhapsody

“The war isn’t over when the fighting stops.”

by thrutheashesblog, posted in ;, Abandonment, Anxiety, Balancing Mental Illness, Belly of the beast, Black and white thinking, borderline personality disorder, bpd, Colour spectrum, Depression, END THE STIGMA, Family, Fitness, Fuck Mental Illness, Gaming, Impulse control, journalism, Mental health, Mental Health awareness, Mental Health recovery, Mental Illness Awareness, my story isn't over yet., reporter, Road Trip!, Self-care, small victories, Sports, Stress, suicide survivor, Uncategorized

Winter seems to be retreating, at least temporarily. The sun is out, and it's warmed up enough to start melting some of the snow again. I for one am happy about this particular turn of events. The last three days have been a whirlwind of activity. Covering several events on Remembrance Day, puttering at home … Continue reading “The war isn’t over when the fighting stops.”

Exercise and self-care

by thrutheashesblog, posted in ;, Anxiety, Balancing Mental Illness, Belly of the beast, borderline personality disorder, bpd, Depression, END THE STIGMA, Fitness, Mental health, Mental Health awareness, Mental Health recovery, Mental Illness Awareness, my story isn't over yet., ptsd, Self-care, small victories, Sports, Stress, Suicidal Mind, suicide survivor, Uncategorized, Writing Therapy

Today, I'm grateful for my health. I've been working on dragging myself back into a fitness routine, and this morning I did just over a mile and a half on the treadmill, along with some of the exercises that I was given by the physio-therapist. The arm hurts, but it will come back. It's a … Continue reading Exercise and self-care

RIP to a legend: Stan Lee

by thrutheashesblog, posted in borderline personality disorder, Entertainment, Marvel, The Avengers, Uncategorized, Writing Therapy, X-men

As human beings we cannot outrun the reaper. Unfortunately Death's  scythe has reached out and touched someone who has impacted the entertainment industry for decades. Stan Lee, the original "Mr. Marvel" has died at the age of 95 years. It is the end of an era in the comic book industry and in Hollywood. I … Continue reading RIP to a legend: Stan Lee

Remembrance Day: Lest we forget.

by thrutheashesblog, posted in ;, History, journalism, Politics, ptsd, Remembrance Day, Uncategorized, Writing Therapy

  War. It is a very human problem. No other species on the planet has taken killing to the levels that humans have. Wars have been fought in the name of power. Wars have been fought in the name of religion. Warriors have fought for peace. Wars have taken millions of lives over the centuries. … Continue reading Remembrance Day: Lest we forget.

Mile by mile

by thrutheashesblog, posted in ;, Anxiety, Balancing Mental Illness, Belly of the beast, borderline personality disorder, bpd, Depression, END THE STIGMA, Fuck Mental Illness, Mental health, Mental Health awareness, Mental Health recovery, Mental Illness Awareness, my story isn't over yet., ptsd, Suicidal Mind, suicide survivor, Uncategorized, Writing Therapy

  Life is a long road, full of pit-stops, detours, and breakdowns. When I look in front of me the future looks daunting and overwhelming. When the depression hits me hard, I fall into a pit that feels like I will never get out of. I will lose hope. I will lose sight of the … Continue reading Mile by mile

One Second

by thrutheashesblog, posted in ;, Anxiety, Balancing Mental Illness, Belly of the beast, Black and white thinking, borderline personality disorder, bpd, Colour spectrum, END THE STIGMA, Family, Fuck Mental Illness, journalism, Mental health, Mental Health awareness, Mental Health recovery, Mental Illness Awareness, my story isn't over yet., ptsd, reporter, Self-care, small victories, Suicidal Mind, suicide survivor, Uncategorized, Writing Therapy

  It's official, Lynn managed to break a bone for the first time ever. At a follow-up doctors appointment today we were told that she managed to chip a bone in her ankle joint when she smacked her leg on the desk at work a couple weeks ago. It looks like she is going to … Continue reading One Second

Family

by thrutheashesblog, posted in ;, Abandonment, Anxiety, Balancing Mental Illness, Belly of the beast, borderline personality disorder, bpd, END THE STIGMA, Faith, Family, Fuck Mental Illness, Impulse control, journalism, Mental health, Mental Health awareness, Mental Health recovery, Mental Illness Awareness, my story isn't over yet., ptsd, reporter, suicide survivor, Uncategorized, Writing Therapy

Almost a week into November already. Where has the time gone? Lynn's recovery has been slow, but she seems to be progressing. I even managed to get her out of the house for a bit last night. We met up with some friends at a local fall supper in a neighbouring community. It was a … Continue reading Family