Today, I’m struggling.
I’m starting to feel like I’m spinning my wheels, and going nowhere.
I know it’s the illness whispering in my ear, and telling me lies. I know I have to fact check the thoughts that flood through me.
I know I am better than I have been in a long time. I’m actually smiling. I’m thinking on my feet with a sharp wit.
My exterior shell is holding, and friends are commenting on how much better I am looking, even with the set back of losing my psychiatrist.
On the inside, it’s a different story. Inside I’m screaming. I’m frustrated at the lack of forward momentum in my life. I’m frustrated that I am not where I thought I would be at this point. I’m frustrated with the battle in my mind.
When I look at the big picture, I feel like I’ve stalled.
It’s easy to feel that way if I discount the wins, of which there have been a few.
I haven’t self harmed by cutting in almost three years. I may not be working fulltime, but I am working a job I love, and one that allows me to set the schedule I need to in order to look after myself. I have a solid support network in place.
All of these wins, seemingly small, do add up though.
To quote Dominic Toretto from The Fast and the Furious series, “It doesn’t matter whether you win by an inch or by a mile, a win is a win.”
Mental illness makes it easy to discount the wins, and focus on the losses.
Yes I am frustrated with the battle in my mind, but in review, I do have some cause to celebrate as well. Everyone with mental illness warrior does.
We have had an additional burden placed on us, and we are stronger because of it.
I may not like the trajectory my past has taken me, but I a
m who I am today because of that past, and while I am frustrated, with the family, friends, and support I have in place, I don’t know if I would change a thing.
I may not like the hard the path I am on, but I prefer it to the easy one.