I’ve had better days…

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Well, it’s safe to say that I have had better days.

I saw my family doctor today, and she informed me that my psychiatrist is no longer willing to see me, and is dropping me as a patient. I’m still kind of numb, because that doctor did help me out a lot.

I know she’s been getting busier, but the way she has dumped me as patient has me scratching my head. I know my family doctor is pretty pissed about it as well, and apparently I’m not the first one this has happened to. I’ve got to say that this isn’t helping my abandonment issues though.

I know my family doctor has my back, as does my psychologist. It does feel like a significant loss though.

During my appointment with the family doctor today, she did make me pause though. She asked me a couple questions that I really had no idea how to answer.

The first one was, if I had to live the rest of my life as it is right now, would I be able to?

Aside from not really having a choice in the matter, I didn’t have an answer. Yes I’m doing better than I was, but everyday is still a challenge. Everyday I battle the darkness that threatens to envelop me. Today I can survive the battle. Tomorrow? Tomorrow is a new day.

The second question she asked me was, when was the last time I felt truly happy?

Again, the question gave me pause. I have had happy moments that I can recall. My wedding coming to mind. But to answer I felt truly happy? I honestly can’t remember.

I want to say that I am happy. I have a warm home to protect me from the winter weather my region is in. I am happily married. We have a couple pets. I have a passion in my writing. I have all of that, and I can’t honestly say I feel happy. I can’t even remember a time that I did. Talk about your first world problems.

Looking deeper, it makes me ask myself, what does it say about myself?

I know asking that just reinforces the self-imposed stigma, but under the circumstances it’s a rabbit hole that is tough to avoid.

The crappy thing is, I know I have genetics working against me. I know my brain chemistry is off. I know I have two very significant mental illness diagnoses that challenge me even on the best of days.  Even knowing all of that I question why I don’t remember feeling happy.

I know that I’m asking a question that doesn’t have an answer, not that it makes it any easier to swallow.

Thanks for reading along.

K

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