I hate impulsivity…

I am not a dumb person.

So why the hell do I do stupid things.

I’m sure that is a question everyone asks themselves at some point in their lives. I know I am today.

I received a (deserved) earful from L today, because yesterday she let me know that for the first time ever we were approaching our internet data limit, which is a staggering 200Gigs.

What do I do yesterday? I listened to her. And then a few hours later, completely not thinking, proceded to download some games onto the PS4, blowing us well over the data cap.

Today she gets an email from Telus saying we have gone over, and would we like to switch to an unlimited plan for an extra $15/month, since we are at over $25 extra used.

I know Lynn and I talked about the data yesterday. I was there when we did. So why, brain, did you think it was a good idea to download all those files, causing us to be at minimum spending an extra $15 that could be used better elsewhere. Seriously. UGH.

This is yet another example of the impulsivity that lies in brain. As minor as the money component really is, the part that hurts the most is it hurt L. She feels ignored. She feels like I don’t listen to her. With shit like this happening, I really don’t blame her for feeling that way. It drives me nuts too.

It also scares me. When I am impulsive at times like these, it cause loss of money, and bent feelings. When I am struggling, my thoughts go darker and more lethal. If I were to act on those impulses, any number of bad things can happen.

I feel terrible. I feel terrible for upsetting L. I feel terrible for costing the extra coin for basically nothing. I feel terrible that this is another speed bump on the road to recovery.

I’m sorry babe. I wish I can get my brain to work better. I’m working on it.

K