Today I am definitely feeling turbulent emotionally.
L was supposed to come out and see me today seeing as today is a holiday and our store is closed. Instead, she has decided to take a day home since she didn’t sleep well last night, and she is feeling overwhelmed herself. I can’t begrudge her that, as much as it sucks.
I’m going to admit, it hurts though, I was looking forward to a few hours out of here with my wife. I know she needs to look after herself though. I have an entire care team backstopping me while I am in hospital. She has a few friends to lean on. As routine as my admissions have become, it is added stress on the both of us.
I don’t know that there are any easy answers. I’m getting tired of dealing with my mental health. I’m tired of the strain it adds to my relationship with my wife.
Unfortunately, as tired of it as I am doesn’t change it. These are issues I have dealt with for the better part of the last two decades, and as much as medications and skills help ease the symptoms, they are still there.
I know my wife loves me, and I love her, and it tears me apart when she struggles especially when she is struggling because of the stress I cause. I know I need to give her some space and we will work through things like we always do, but it doesn’t remove the guilt I feel.
I hope we both find the rest we are looking for.