To say I feel exhausted does not even begin to describe it. Over the last couple of weeks I have crashed. Hard.

I haven’t been sleeping much over the last few days. I think last night I would have been lucky to get four hours of broken sleep.

My appetite has crashed and I have lost weight as a result.

With the overwhelming exhaustion and the corresponding effects on my emotions, I attempted to go see my psychiatrist.

She told me I could probably use a tune up in hospital, but I need to go see me family doctor as she is much too busy to set it up. She gave me a prescription for a medication she just took me off and sent me on my way.

After talking to my wife and mother in law, my mother in law drove me back to my home community where I saw a doc who knows my history in the er, explained what has been going on…. and long story short, I am in hospital for a short stay to try and get myself leveled out and get my sleep back on track.

I dont know how long this admission is going to be, but I should have a better idea tomorrow.

The two things that are really bugging me right now are the hold my suicide plan has me, whether I act on it or not, and that the doctors are going to write me off and leave me to my own devices considering the number of admissions and meds I have had and tried.

I need to figure out how to not default to suicide because as long as I do, it’s always a risk.


3 thoughts on “Crash

  1. Something I finally really realised is that the reason suicide seems like an option to me isn’t because I want to kill myself. I don’t. I just want the pain to stop. I know it’s something ‘obvious’ and I’ve always sort of ‘known’ it. I guess there’s the difference between knowing and knowing. That now I really DO know it (I was dialogue-ing with myself and thought that what I was running from was the fact I was thinking of suicide, when really it was all that was behind it).

    Thank you for sharing your story here…


  2. Something else to think of too. If your like me, you have been through the skills. Your dialogue shows me that. But even with the skills, people can only take so much. It is ok to get tired, and for the skills to be less effective. Being told “use your skills” isnt always the answer.


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