My motivation is gone.
I have stories to write. Deadlines to meet. I have a life to be productive with.
Instead, I don’t even have the concentration for my video games, my go to distraction. I just want to crawl into bed, and sleep forever. I don’t want to deal with people. I don’t want to see how progressively fucked this world of ours is getting.
I want to get out of the internal hell known as my mind. How am I supposed to find motivation, when at the moment just getting out of bed wipes me out?
I don’t want to reach out to my friends or family. I’m tired of putting them through this nonsense. I just want to get it together and be productive, or fade into oblivion so no one needs to worry anymore.
I know it’s distorted thinking, but right now my brain is screaming at me that L and everyone else in my life would be better off if I ended it.
My life is a series of valleys and peaks, and right now I’m definitely in a valley again. I just don’t know how much lower that’s going to go. I’m tired of the crashes every few months. I’m tired of this thief draining my life force. My will to live.
I know I’m stubborn, and that is the only reason I’m still here. But I’m tired. Tired of fighting. Tired of hanging on just to go through it again.
I know I am more than my illness. I know I am loved, and that I have a role to play in this life. I just question that role, and what the point of it all is. What God’s plan is for me. I’m trying to see the light, but the darkness just gets deeper.