Lost motivation

My motivation is gone.

I have stories to write. Deadlines to meet. I have a life to be productive with.

Instead, I don’t even have the concentration for my video games, my go to distraction. I just want to crawl into bed, and sleep forever. I don’t want to deal with people. I don’t want to see how progressively fucked this world of ours is getting.

I want to get out of the internal hell known as my mind. How am I supposed to find motivation, when at the moment just getting out of bed wipes me out?

I don’t want to reach out to my friends or family. I’m tired of putting them through this nonsense. I just want to get it together and be productive, or fade into oblivion so no one needs to worry anymore.

I know it’s distorted thinking, but right now my brain is screaming at me that L and everyone else in my life would be better off if I ended it.

My life is a series of valleys and peaks, and right now I’m definitely in a valley again. I just don’t know how much lower that’s going to go. I’m tired of the crashes every few months. I’m tired of this thief draining my life force. My will to live.

I know I’m stubborn, and that is the only reason I’m still here. But I’m tired. Tired of fighting. Tired of hanging on just to go through it again.

I know I am more than my illness. I know I am loved, and that I have a role to play in this life. I just question that role, and what the point of it all is. What God’s plan is for me. I’m trying to see the light, but the darkness just gets deeper.

Kevin

4 thoughts on “Lost motivation

  1. Kevin, stay with us. You have survived this and worse. You are not alone in this, although I know when the darkness closes in it feels as though aloneness is all there is. We would not be better off without you, and those of us who love you and care would be bereft and the grief too much to handle. I am praying for you, that the darkness will retreat in the power of Christ’s Love and Mercy. Try to visualise the darkness being pushed back further each time you close your eyes. The light only has to enter through a pinhole for it to begin to remove the darkness. It’s difficult when motivation flees, but the love and the prayers of your frinds will be like it was for Moses in battle; when his arms drooped, the battle began to be lost, when he was able to raise them again, the battle turned and the Israelites began to win. However, Moses was very tired. Seeing this his friends held up his arms for him, until the battle was won. We will be doing this for you. Praying for rest for you and deep untroubled sleep.

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  2. I’m feeling the same way, right now. I’m a senior in college, it’s finals week and I couldn’t care less to study. Last night, I literally guessed through a homework assignment because I didn’t have the motivation to complete it. This morning, I turned my alarm off, overslept and arrived to work an hour late. Then I continually had bad thoughts this morning like, “Why can’t I do anything right?”.
    I’m not sure what you suffer with, I was diagnosed with severe anxiety over 5 years ago. I’ve never been on medication. For a long time, I had a full plate, was super motivated and killed every challenge before me. Now, I have less to do and can barely give a shit to do it.
    It makes me feel a little less alone to read your blog. I feel like a different person than I was a year ago, like I crawled into a hole and don’t have the strength, motivation and luck to get out.
    Thanks for putting your thoughts out there.

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    1. Thank you for the kind words. I have been diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, along with depressive features and anxiety.
      I’m glad that the blog helps you feel less alone. I find it really helps me with my own emotional turmoil, and if it helps others as well, then I am happy. K

      Liked by 1 person

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