Trigger warning: Surviving until dawn…

I’m in a dark place at the moment.

The fatigue from trouble sleeping, the general busy-ness of summer, and the medication changes have all caught up with me.

It’s just another speed bump on my road to recovery, of which there has been many. The static in my mind, the intrusive thoughts, the darkness seeping in are just another day in this hell i am trapped in, known as my mind.

I’ve been feeling like I am on the verge of tears for the last couple of days. I’m spending way more time in bed. My appetite has decreased. I recognize the signs of an impending crash.

The thing is, I am aware of it. I can fight the cognitive distortions. I can activate my safety plan. I can mitigate the damage of the crash.

I may feel like I’m driving a cement mixer in the Indy 500, but I am still in the race.

I know I’ve been here before.

I know that as dark as the night may get, the sun will rise. I just need to figure out how to survive again until sunrise.

I need to put the brakes on the self destruction that my brain has set for me. Logically, I know suicide and self injury are not options. Emotionally? My emotions are saying “Hold my beer.”

I am safe right now. The suicidal thoughts and self urges are there, but they are in check, and I am fighting.

I hate the torment of logic and emotion struggling for control. I would love nothing more than to kick the crap out of both the bastards and make them play nice. Like that will happen.

How can I get through this without surrendering to the embrace of the dark?

I saw my psychologist today, and he said keep active, and keep fighting for motivation. Use my skills, and retain a purpose. It’s all easier said than done, but it’s a start. Most of all, he said I need to focus on self-care, and not get down on me for a relapse, because it is part of the mental illness I struggle with.

Kevin